Imagine being a witch and you’re all excited because you just brewed up a wicked potion but then you realize now you gotta clean out that cauldron and it’s too big for the dishwasher ugh
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3: I’m going to say hi to that boy on the bike
Boy rides by & she waves shyly after he passes
3: He didn’t hear me
Me: Flirting’s hard
Tell me a story and include details but not too many details like I don’t need to know about a suspicious mole
friend: what day is it today
me: it’s mar 10
friend: like mario!
me: itsa mar 10
Almost forgot…😂😂😂😂😂
Sing it!
ACED my prostate exam!
My little girl buried a 25 cents and said she’s growing a money tree.
I laughed but secretly water it every day just in case..
mmm onion ringos
*Watching TV*
Hmmm, I should read more
*Turns on subtitles*
When I was 8, my best friend & I had a big fight. The next week his family moved away. Dave, if you’re reading this, I still hate your guts.
I finally got my 11yo interested in a sport, and all it took was hiring a pretty 16yo girl to coach him.
Cutting the mail slot in my door bigger to fit a pizza box.
Algebra,trignometry, and calculus are responsible for more doctors than the actual love for the profession.
Bear Grylls: We need to start a fire or we’re going to freeze.
Me: [Walks around camp quickly in corduroy pants]
Here you go!
You sit there and think about what you’ve done
-Me, leaving dishes in the sink to soak overnight
GF: I’m moving out if you don’t stop pretending you work at a supermarket.
ME: Ok. Do you need any help with your packing?
Spanish is easily the sexiest language. Everyone should want to learn it. You can say you need to take a shit in Spanish and it sounds sexy.
My husband took a few m&ms, then left the open packet and walked away. I waited a full 24 seconds but he didn’t come back so I legally finished the rest of the packet
Daughter: dada I’m scared of the dark.
Me: oh honey the dark’s more scared of you than you are of it.
Daughter:
Me: [turns off light] goodnight.
The Dark: oh shit oh shit where’d that creepy little girl go?
I don’t like atheism. I’ve worked too many minimum wage jobs for someone to tell me there’s nothing after this. I once waitresses the smoking section of Applebee’s. Smelled like divorce papers signed with a gun shot. I need heaven!
“Oh sure, they can eat their own poop, no problem. They just CAN’T eat chocolate. It’ll kill them.” – God inventing dogs.
[My Dad If He Were A Bartender]
ME: Can I have a beer?
DAD: I don’t know, CAN you?
ME: Ugh, just make me a drink.
DAD: Poof, you’re a drink.
ME: Come on!
DAD: Where are we going?
ME: I’m putting you in a home.
DAD: We’re already in someones home.
They say every piece of bacon takes 9 minutes off of your life expectancy. So according to my math, I should have died somewhere around the spring of 1483.
*friend you haven’t spoken to in years posts photos of their marriage*
wow thanks for the invite beth did our 6 weeks of drivers ed together mean nothing to u
DRIVING CLASS: 10 and 2
REAL LIFE: 7 and french fries
If your rice gets wet, just put it in a bag of phones.
Old enough to remember when infectious laughter had a positive connotation
Just found a hilarious message in a bottle on the beach. I decided it needed to be RT’d, so I threw it back in.
me: “i taught this chimp to say words”
chimp: “nice haircut”
reporter: “oh my god.. does he know anything else?”
me: “sarcasm apparently”