It’s important to be comfortable in your own skin…
Because, apparently, it’s illegal to wear someone else’s.
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dude killed a sea lion with his bike
Don’t forget to get your Valentine’s Day shopping done before Pete Davidson buys everything up.
My neighbor’s car alarm has apparently never heard the story of The Boy Who Cried Wolf.
Active Yeast: Let’s make that bread fam
Inactive Yeast: Let’s stay in bed man
McConaughey: I’ll have a venti with cream please
Starbucks barista: ok, how do you spell your last name?
McConaughey: I don’t know
i slap your apartment floor and ask you what year it was made. you don’t understand so i do exactly the same thing again
If breaking a mirror brings 7 years of bad luck, does breaking a lightbulb bring 7 years of bad ideas?
sometimes I fill up my bathtub with spaghetti sauce and sit in it and pretend I’m a meatball
Me: how are you feeling about all of this?
Husband: i dunno. i feel like the cold hand of death is upon me.
Me. *pulling back my dried, shriveled, over washed hands* oh, ya, ya. sounds like you’re a goner.
At a dinner party, instead of putting names on place cards, just list everyone’s shortcomings and they have figure out where they’re supposed to sit.
Me: don’t you love it when you find $20 in a jacket pocket?
Guy [wearing a jacket that used to have $20 in it]: *distant yelling* hey get back here
[being murdered at Best Buy]
Murderer: *murdering me*
Me: *being murdered*
Employee: would you guys like to buy an extended warranty
The 2024 federal budget promises billions of dollars in new spending. Aw, that’s so sweet, they’re gonna do a single grocery run for us!
My waterproof phone is advertised in commercials with people surfing and kayaking and here I am tweeting in the shower.
the reason wordle only does one word per day is so you can spend the rest of your day talking about wordle
Got fired from my job at the asthma clinic for trying to hit on women by asking if their favorite 90s band was Weezer.
I can never tell if my cat left a dead bird at my door, or if it’s the dead bird I ordered from Amazon.
“Oh, Monster TRUCK rally. Haha of course…”
*Frankenstein slowly backs out of the room, hiding a 24 pack of condoms behind his back*
(loudly in my apartment in case there’s a murderer here) I love murderers
Marathon Winner: Finishes a 26-mile marathon in under 2 hours.
Me: Walks up stairs using all fours.
Woman on bus just pulled her mask down to cough.
Just saw an amazing deal for Valentine’s Day “You’re My One and Only” cards.. 2 for $5
just found out the nhs had my height down as 88cm instead of 1.88 metres and now wondering if my early vaccine was because they thought i was a short dangerously large man
I was at a job interview today when the manager handed me a laptop and said: I want you to try to sell this to me. So I put it under my arm, left the building and went home. Eventually he called me and said: Bring my laptop back now. I said: $200 and it’s yours.
If they could just figure out how to put fluoride in beef jerky I wouldn’t have to brush my teeth ever again.
I hate it when baby boomers are like “your generation is too sensitive!”. Like ok, Gail, I’m not the one writing 8 paragraph Yelp reviews because the restaurant was painted a color you didn’t like.
I’m sorry your baby is crying right now. Have you tried taking it farther away from me?
Wife *yelling from other room* you’re making bread? Why are you making bread?
Me: Everyone in lockdown is doing it
Duck *holding gun* good answer
When we go back to in-person office meetings, I’m going to start out by soundlessly moving my lips until people yell at me, just for continuity.