Good News: Your kid will finally eat something green.
Bad News: It’s avocados, and now you have to take out a second mortgage.
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“If we get the kids to help us it will go faster!”
– the dumbest thing I’ve ever said
me: hello darkness my old friend
darkness: friend is a strong word
Mess with your coworkers by walking up behind them and whispering in their ear, “strike two”
ME: [holding my breath]
MY BREATH: This is nice.
Booked an escape room but just to get away from everyone… no plans of escaping, they’re gonna have to kick me out
I stood here for an hour then I gave up and went home.
I fondly remember my days as a younger man when I didn’t care what the weather was going to do
I want to be on maternity leave but without the baby.
Well this pretty much sums up 2020.
Trevor eventually flunked out of dentistry school
My cat hates fireworks because he can’t stand the thought of children enjoying themselves.
Humans share 70% of our DNA with zebrafish. So when you’re having difficulty getting anything done, it’s usually because a zebrafish is using the DNA.
How many coworkers have to ask you “what’s that pee smell” before you admit you’re wearing a new cologne?
Is it four? Please say it’s four.
People are posting pictures of their Christmas trees all decorated, and I’m over here like, “Does anyone know if we have a clean plate?!”
You travel 3500 miles to the breathtaking 15th-century mountaintop Inca citadel, Machu Picchu. The gift shop is not great.
She’s dating the both of us bro. You’re my boyfriend-in-law.
~every 18 year old.
When I die dress me like Mario and surround me with turtles and hammers
My mother is my travel agent for guilt trips.
promising I won’t get too involved in my son’s little league game but it’s the second inning and I just told the umpire to lawyer up
FRIEND: My kid was mvp of his basketball team.
ME: My kid misses when he tries to high-5
There must be so many advantages to being a president or a king, but I’d wager that the most exciting of all is never having to carry your own house keys.
My 4-year-old Just ran down the hallway yelling “CHEESES CRISIS.”
Oops. Maybe I’ve yelled Jesus Christ one too many times.
Me: I can read on the toilet until my feet fall asleep
Job interviewer: …and a weakness?
8- “Mom, where do babies come from?”
Me- “From backrubs honey.”
Marriage is a little less fairytale and a lot more lying on opposite couches in your rattiest pajamas arguing over which brand of saltine crackers is superior while the same show you never really watch replays on the TV in the background
Beastie Boys: So whatcha whatcha whatcha want?
2020: *deep breath*
Look on the bright side, parents. At least you have an excuse not to take your kid to Chuck E. Cheese’s now.
people who brush their teeth in the shower are operating on a level of efficiency i have no desire of achieving
the dog ran into a fence chasing a squirrel. she doesn’t look anything like me but she’s mine. i can tell
The kids were being so annoying at bedtime last night, I threatened to take them back in time and put them to bed early.