*my boss going around the room to figure out what employees are most incentivized by
Me: FOREHEAD KISSES
You Might Also Like
i have one speed and it’s mosey
[leaving sushi restaurant]
WAITER: sayonara
ME: onara
If I were a professional soccer player, I would simply pick up the ball. My opponents’ kicks would be useless as I held the ball high above my head. They would beg me to release it but I would not relent. Then, just as time expires, I would throw it into the net, sealing victory.
Twitter is like the tenth time you’ve opened the fridge and there still isn’t anything good in it.
Jesus has returned! He’s in my DMs asking for Amazon gift cards and has terrible grammar. But it’s TOTALLY him.
Whenever you ride an elevator with other people, it’s best not to mention your imaginary friends even if someone is standing on Carl.
‘Ok i’ll bite’ is both my favourite catchphrase and also why my summer body will be a Homer Simpson body
Me: I played this as a kid. It’s from back when video games made sense
6-year-old: Why did you jump on a turtle?
Me: Because I’m a plumber
“Paintings or it didn’t happen.” – 1700’s-1920
so APPARENTLY if u donate a kidney ur a big hero but if u donate 9 kidneys people get very upset
Everybody complaining about how old Biden is, but not ONE person suggesting a viable plan to make him younger. Smh
me: anything interesting happen today?
my 8yo: I finally got a booger out of my nose that’s been there since I was 5.
sick of fancy drinks with simple syrup. if you are gonna charge me $15, i want complicated syrup. this mojito better frame me for murder
We have received 4 Christmas cards this week. I’m glad to see so many others don’t have their shit together either.
When I’m bored, I part my hair down the middle and pretend I’m a Hanson brother
Was at the park with the baby, and another parent pointed to a kid doing cartwheels and said, “Remember when we could do that at that age?”
Lady, I was icing my knees after recess when I was 7.
When I say something occurred under mysterious circumstances it means I forgot the circumstances.
Her: I have a funeral to go to but I don’t have a date yet.
Me: Aw, you can’t go alone?
She meant the date of the funeral.
I know that now
“Snowmageddon”? We can do better, Twitter.
#SnowCountryForOldMen
#ISnowWhatYouDidLastWinter
#SnowMommaFromTheTrain
#Snowverfield
when people say they’re into genealogy I pretend to be interested, but deep down I know magic lamps aren’t real
This is true.
singer at concert: *says name of city we’re in*
me: that’s the name of the city we’re in!
friend: it is good to hear the name of our city!
Cop: this whole crime scene is fishy
Cat Detective: *flashing badge* ok i’ll take it from here
My boss: Do you have Twitter?
Me: Spell it for me, I’ll search my apps.
My gf 1 month in: haha OMG I love your Twitter. I definitely don’t think it’s weird, it’s so clever!
My gf 2nd month: listen
I HAVE A LITTLE MERMAID BAND-AID UNDER MY EYE CAUSE I’M IN A GANG NOW.
Are people l still falling for diet pill schemes?
“Here, take this magical pill with a half gallon of water and you won’t be as hungry, guaranteed!”
Mechanic: What’s the mileage on your car?
Me, panicking: Umm, 106.7 KROQ
Mechanic: Isn’t that a radio station?
Me: On second thought, I’m good with the old oil.
I just realized that there is absolutely nothing stopping me from telling elderly people that I wrote Despacito
[Veterans Hospital]
GRAMPS {waking from 72 year coma caused by D-Day head injury}: Did we beat the Nazis?
ME: Haha, well…interesting story