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You think it’s easy being a tall woman with a wide body this time of year? Do you know how many familys try to kidnap me and use me as a Christmas tree????!!!!
“Your call is important to us”
[67 minutes later]
“Your call is important to us”
[hold music]
Alanis: it’s like raaaaaiin 🎵
I would most likely die like 45 minutes into a zombie apocalypse, and even more likely it would not be zombie apocalypse related.
My 8yo had his hair styled nicely this morning so I asked what he put in it to look so good……and he said it was oil from the pan I roasted broccoli in last night.
You really can’t make this stuff up.
As my friend Joe’s last wish I had him cremated and sprinkled his ashes into the coffee pots at work..all morning everyone had a cup of Joe
If dogs take after their owners, I need to work on my posture.
*pets a duck* helo litle friemd u used to b a dinosuar
My (27F) boyfriend (28M) won’t stop saying he’s “microdosing pants” whenever he wears shorts
genie: please no
millipede: more legs
The pizza guy just said “see u tomorrow”
Maybe I eat too much pizza …
If your tax accountant has a Yahoo email address, you’re getting audited.
Why DOES “February” have that extra R? It should just be “Februay.”
I’m convinced that thumb wars were created when two guys just about to dance with each other got caught
My mom misses having young grandchildren, so once a week she picks up my dog and takes her out for breakfast.
I buy mixed berries because I like them, but really I enjoy eating blackberries with raspberries, and imagining that I’m eating the world’s tiniest chess board.
Me: Can I get you a drink? Her: I have a boyfriend. Me: Lady, I’m the bartender.
When fans used to race in to get the winners golf ball
Me: *Holding a door and hiding behind it*
Murderer: *walks through the door*
Me *passive aggressive*: YOU’RE WELCOME
I’m pretty sure Mark Zuckerberg googled “what do humans enjoy?” and the first result was “Sweet Baby Ray’s” and he just stopped reading after that
Husband: How’s your diet going?
Me: *scraping cheese off his burger wrapper with my teeth* Fine.
I like to creep around my home and act like a goblin
Hooking up with your ex is a great way to reassure yourself that dying alone wouldn’t be the worst thing in the world.
Wearing a pretty new bra today that nobody else is gonna see, so everytime I go to the bathroom, I flash myself in the mirror.
anti-tattoo people saying “my body’s a temple” like they wouldn’t worship at a temple that had an enormous mural of a tiger fighting a cobra
Traffic cop: Just blow into this for me sir.
Man in car: But that’s a balloon.
Traffic cop: if you just cooperate sir, it’ll soon be a dog.
I’ve never been held hostage but I’ve been on a group text.
All of my other appliances think the air fryer is an overachiever. Even the food processor and the blender are bonding over this, and they’ve been enemies for years.
I’ll smash someone’s car window on a hot day if I see they’ve left a chocolate bar melting inside.
Ban Viagra, things are hard enough.
Received this car text from my wife, and I quote: “Hey Siri text I am on my way mommy mommy mommy HOLD ON!”