Me: Will you marry me?
Her: No
Backing singers: She said no! she said no!
Me: Not now
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At some point you’ll think you have this parenting thing figured out. Then your child will ask you to take the cheese off of their macaroni.
What do we want?
An Iphone for fat fingers!
When do we want it?
BOW!
Part of fatherhood is becoming an expert in some obscure topic and teaching it to your children who stopped listening 30 minutes ago.
[being chased by killer]
ME: *frantically pressing crosswalk button*
When you say “You’re going to hate me for this” you’re making a very large assumption that I don’t hate you already
Guy I’m hooking up with: stop telling your friends about us
Me to my friends: anyway then he referred to us as “us”
Me: you’ll be in school until 2035
My Kid: *confidently* that’s not a real number
Me: maybe even longer
Wife: I just heard something downstairs.
Me: It’s just the wind.
Wife: Go and see.
Me: You can’t see wind, Claire.
911? I’m a man trapped in a woman’s body!
“That’s not exactly an emergency.”
Oh. Huh. Ok.
*Tries door in Statue of Liberty again*
FINE!!
So I misread the ad
Apparently, The Cartel doesn’t NEED a drug snuggler
Radio: “…it’s a climate of fear…”
Outside: [*raining clowns*]
Iron Man: I’ll hack into their security.
Hulk: HULK SMASH DOOR!
Thor: I’ll silence their guards.
Captain America: What’s a microwave?
I am starting to suspect that my camo hoodie isn’t as clean as it appears
Reset Password
‘CargoAndBoxer’
Your password is two shorts
(First date with a Chinese girl)
Her: So, are you a dog or a cat person?
Me: I’m just gonna have a tandoori chicken…
you ever think about how “welp” is just the modern English version of “alas”
There’s an app for the people who say they’re not seeking some form of validation here. It’s called a diary.
To all the men out there without ponytails: What are you afraid of? SUCCESS???
My mom has a podcast but you can only hear it if you have the password to my voicemail
why do only doctors get a special hammer for beating people with. I should be allowed to have one of these too
[Boss stands at my desk] Can I see you in my office?
[I stare curiously] You can see me here, right?
me: i don’t like talking about myself
random girl at a party: hi how’s it goin’
me: look jessica, it all started when i was six years old
[superfriends lunch]
BATMAN: There’s an underwater nuclear threat
SUPERMAN: Aquaman, go!
AQUAMAN: [stares at watch] Gotta wait 30 minutes
[god creating elephant]
“overfeed that aardvark”
Nobody:
Me: people died on the Titanic but the lobsters were set free.
Me: Well I don’t wanna blow my own trumpet…
Brass Band Conductor Who Is Auditioning Me: Please do.
restaurants: hey kid. wanna color in some trees? a castle? some animals? grassy hills? here’s a blue and a red crayon.
The real reason the Mayan civilization collapsed is they never updated their Adobe.
I asked my magic 8 ball about my romantic future and it said “I hope you like cats.”
Autocorrect says I am currently: all out of ducks to give, most of you are full of shot, twitter is overrun by aunts and life is a birch