Me: Will you marry me?
Her: No
Backing singers: She said no! she said no!
Me: Not now
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Clerk: Sir this is an awful lot of cheese for one person.
Me: What?
C: You should be ashamed of yourself, panic buying is not the answer.
M: Panic buying? Um, what are you talking about, 7 blocks of cheese is a normal week for me.
C:
M:
C: Have a nice day
Quick question for the medical professionals, should my blood glucose number be higher or lower than the mileage on my 6-year-old car
Thank you for showing me your Facebook wedding album. Now if you have time, here is a slideshow of my top 36 scores in Mario Kart
Tinder isn’t a babysitting app. Apologies to Crystal and Janine for the misunderstanding.
Treat your guests like family, so they don’t stay too long.
The real power of a man…
Is the size of the smile on his woman’s face sitting next to him.
‘I just need like two minutes!’
~me, lying
Relationship status: Sometimes I have imaginary conversations with supermodels.
Her: What an incredibly handsome and witty thing to say.
Psychiatrist “Tell me about your trust issues.”
Me “No”
CAR SALESMAN: Check out the reclining seats.
ME: Oh this baby is gonna get some action *winks*
[Cut to me asleep in car on my lunch break]
I got tired of our restroom smelling like other people’s crap so I placed a chunk of mine behind the hot air vent.
Recently I discovered when changing sex positions, it’s better to make the Transformers sounds inside your head rather than vocalizing them.
It’s the remix to ignition,
I’m a terrible magician,
I cut your grandma in half,
And now my rabbit is missing.
DM from account I don’t follow: “Hi”
Click on account
Follows – 7
Followers – 0
Tweets – 0
Retweets – 0
AVI – Pretty girlMe: Okay, I can work with this.
i- i did not expect this
A company has a patent to build a 20km high space elevator. Astronauts are now being trained how to avoid eye contact for the 17 hour ride.
6: Daddy the floor is lava!
Me: Oh yeah? *Pushes wife off chair*
Me: Like that time in Harry Potter Revenge of the Fallen when the wizard becomes a Camaro
Pal: I think you mean…
Me: Dumblebee, yes, I know what I mean. So, anyway…
Wife: I don’t think those fireworks look safe to use-
Me: [lighting fireworks] who you think I’m gonna believe? You, or Six-Fingered Pete?
What did everyone get for Christmas this year? Just kidding, I know it’s omicron.
I load the dishwasher with delicious and reckless abandon, laughing aloud as I do: HAHAHA, MOTHER, how do you like me now!
8: Grandma’s car just pulled in.
Me: OMG please help me fix this
My life is just like the Friends theme song if you take out all the references to having friends.
I found a new way to get my wife to wash the car. When ever it gets dusty I write the following on it:
“I wish my Wife was this Dirty”.
I forgot the word “memorial” so I called it a dead person shout out.
For someone who dislikes Bill Gates, my dad sure does dress a lot like him.
Me: I look cute today.
Camera: No.
Gym instructor: It’s never too late to start working out.
Me: Fantastic! I’ll start tomorrow.
It’s tough getting user casket reviews
Just donated blood. I hope whoever gets it likes wine.
[eats all your cotton candy]