Me: *Wishes upon a star* Please, I just want the world to be a better place.
Asteroid: ON MY WAAAY!!!
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COUPLE: *rides off into the sunset*
NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: nope
I don’t really have a “blood type.” I think all bloods can surprise you if you just give them a chance.
My favorite actual friendly mom competition is when we all stand around comparing how our children have creatively destroyed our furniture, carpets, walls and homes
*army rises out of ball pit*
dark lord: whose bright idea was it to put the portal here?
[they point to bob]
dark lord: you the man, bob
I’ve tried to be a people person, but people ruin the experience.
I am all good here, 😂😉
*in a Chinese restaurant*
Who is the manager?
“No, Ji is the manager, Hu is the owner”
How should I know? You’re the one who works here
Me: I made this belt out of herbs
Her: why?
Me: oh, just waisting some thyme
WIFE: I’ve child-proofed the house
*our child walks in*
ME: Yeah, great job, Linda
Top prank: when your friend falls asleep, place his hand in a bowl of warm water so he wakes up with one regular hand & one wrinkly one.
husband: we should role play tonight
me: ok you be our hot neighbor Chad
husband: huh, that’s oddly specific
me: listen Chad, it’s inappropriate that you’re in my bedroom please leave my husband will be home soon and we’re probably gonna do it
[on stage]
me: *takes a bow* thank you
Violinist: hey, I need that
Doc- it appears that you take everything way to seriously. You need to get your shit togeth… Oh no, what are you doing! No! Stop!
Trumpy Cat
My stupid belt shrunk again today.
#rubbishjokes
I don’t like Russian dolls.They are so full of themselves.
Mormon: Want to hear about my religion?
Me: I already know. There can be only 1
Him: That’s Highlander
Me: Come back when you have swords
do u think spider-man ever shot a little of his own web in his mouth just to see what it tastes like
I just want to retire to Ireland and eat fish & chips every day, is that too much to ask?
My bank account: Yes
I’d like to think that my exes see me as “the one who got away,” but it’s probably more like “the one who got away from the police.”
Love listening to 29 year olds say they are old.
If by “living off the grid” you mean never giving retailers my correct email, then yeah, that’s totally me.
my parents got an amazon echo for christmas & all they do is shout at it & get disappointed by all it can’t do. i’ve been replaced by alexa & it’s great.
Me: How can I make this funny?
Them: Change what funny is.
The invention of the shovel was groundbreaking
Dads will wake up at 5 AM so they have more time in their day to tell everyone they woke up at 5 AM.
[small-town McDonald’s cashier holds bill up to light, studies it]
Me: You get a lot of counterfeit fives around here?
My kids do not talk to me like I’m their best chance of an organ donation.
A smile can turn someone’s day around, especially if you’re hiding in their closet.