Me: *Wishes upon a star* Please, I just want the world to be a better place.
Asteroid: ON MY WAAAY!!!
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[spelling bee]
“Your word is stupid”
ME: Well give me a different one then
“No, that’s your word…stupid”
ME: Maybe you’re the stupid one
If u ever rob someones house just bring guacamole that way if they catch you you can just yell surprise and tell them they’re having a party
“do you know the best way to get rid of a wasp nest?”
no, try using your phone
[throws phone and hits wasp nest]
*running* I meant google it
Nothing is worse than having jock itch. ESPECIALLY within 100 ft of a school or playground.
Filming myself playing the violin like it’s a cello to catfish the giant community
How can I get invited to one of these knife fights everyone keeps talking about? Can we do it over zoom
My husband gets into the holiday spirit by saying JESUS CHRIST over and over while putting up the Christmas tree.
*pulls at 28° angle… FAIL
*pulls at 29° angle… FAIL
*pulls at 28.528419094° angle… STAYS!!
– Me pulling up Blinds
Never eat ice cream while chatting online. Sister: why are you typing so slowly Me: well my other hands busy. She hasnt replied yet.
I would be so pissed if someone shook me all night long.
Imagining if Mario was actually your plumber. Jumping all over the place. Throwing fireballs at your cabinets and shit. Becoming briefly invincible. Just a really negative home visit
My house could be 99% tile and my kid would still barf directly onto the rug.
Can’t wait for Game of Thrones to come back because I miss civilized political discourse.
Black Mirror S05E01
January 20, 2021:
[fade in on TV set]
President-elect Kanye walks onstage, nods to V.P. Kanye, and places hand on a Bible held by Judge Kanye.
[cut to]
Kanye, arm around Kanye, turns off TV, tosses remote, and leans over to pet Kanye, who wags his tail.
584.
[Library]
MAN: Do you have books on fire?
LIBRARIAN: Yes, in the Chemistry section
MAN: Come on boys!
*Swarms of firemen enter with hoses*
The 5 most important things to teach my kids:
1. be honest
2. show respect
3. be true to yourselves
4. be kind & generous
5. be humble
6. to count
ME: what is an IV for
ROMAN: yes
Gonna start feeding my dog condoms, so when she poops they’re already in tiny little bags!
Another great day of being Everyone’s Personal Assistant. Today I helped a young man in his search for love ❤️👍
I just need to go ahead and admit it.
I’m not mature enough to live in a state called Idaho
Some people bite their tongue, I have to bite my fingers to keep from replying to some stupid reply.
The snake that couple found in a bag of lettuce in Aldi is just one more in a long list of reasons to avoid salad.
Sure stepping on a Lego is painful, but have you ever twisted your ankle tripping over a cold and shamed Natalie Imbruglia lying naked on the floor?
Have kids so they can tell you at 5am that they must dress as a historical figure today, like your wardrobe is full of apparel from the 1800’s.
HIM: *turning the heat down* You have the heat too high!
HER: *turning it up* No, YOU have the heat too LOW!
MARRIAGE COUNSELOR: Stop that, this is my office.
It’s cute when kids say what they want to be when they grow up. You’re gonna write emails on the computer buddy
COVID-19 helping people realise that some meetings can be emails.
This might sound like an off the wall question. But what do you think of parkour?