Me: With a name like that, your parents must hate you.
Myparentsdislikeme: Hate is a strong word.
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A little boy looked at my tie the other day and told me that he really liked my leash.
I hope to stop crying soon.
Got fired from my job as a museum guide for telling everyone the statues are all Medusa’s ex-boyfriends.
Can’t wait for Daylight Saving Time to end this weekend so the clock in my car will have the correct time.
Hold that thought while I slip into something more comfortable.
*moves to Fiji*
This Halloween I’m going as that friendly guy who walked around your college campus but wasn’t even enrolled & turned out to be 28 & then disappeared completely
her: and what do you do?
me: I’m a mail escort
postal worker: I won’t tell you again, I don’t need you following me everywhere!
im 7 sauces long
You don’t serve tuna do you?
“No sir, we don’t serve fish here”
*A family of tuna in fake mustaches whistles innocently at another table*
Him: can we just go back to how it used to be?
Her: awww. Like the day we met?
Him: No, before that.
sighs “always the predator, never the prey…”
If you don’t fall in love with me, I’ll write poetry about you and then you’ll regret it.
HGTV has taught me you can do anything if you have the right tools. I’ve also learned that any handyman you hire will have those tools.
me: i have an imaginary gf
therapist: u can do better than that
me: i know, it’s just–
therapist: i was talking to her
Alien: did you just call me daddy
Me: I don’t get probed much
Guys only want one thing and it’s to lick your Himalayan salt lamp when you’re not looking.
{Packing for trip}
ME: I always thought they were called “soupcases”.
HER: Why would they be called soupcases?
ME: Well why would they be called suitcases?
HER: Because they’re for your suits.
ME:
HER:
ME: Okay I need to repack.
Her: Oh, you brought me flowers!
Me: Yes, one of the many benefits of living next door to a graveyard…
Shout out to the person who had the balls to open the first no kids allowed restaurant
God: You’re going to Earth to live as a human
Jesus: Can I drink?
God: Yes
Jesus: Can I get married and have kids?
God: No
Jesus: Can I have a man cave?
God: Eventually *winks at angel*
Eating pancakes and bacon when I forget to put my teeth in is just not the same.
I would like even faster food.
A pet is a great way for kids to learn about death. For instance, I had a snake and that killed four of my friends.
My dog is never excited if I’m the first one down the stairs in the morning. It’s all just panic and accusations.
“Oh no, where’s Mommy? Is Mommy gone? What have you done with Mommy?”
I’m just gonna say it. I’d smurf Smurfette.
[getting car jacked] umm i know i’m supposed to resist and all but if we don’t cooperate we’re both gonna miss McDonalds breakfast so hop in
Her: *hands me her baby*
Me: *drops it*
Her:
Me: So, is there like a five second rule or…?
[meeting at amc network]
“Okay so how can we make everyone in Walking Dead look like they smell even worse this season?”
Billionaires: Don’t call us “billionaires” call us “people of means” also this hot tub water’s getting a bit too warm why are you adding carrots and potatoes
“I missed you today.”
“Awwww I missed you too.”
*both frantically reload dueling pistols*
my grandpa: this pizza has no toppings
me: close the box, turn it over, & open it again
my grandpa: well i’ll be damned