Me with megaphone: “COME DOWN FROM THERE. YOU HAVE SO MUCH TO LIVE FOR.”
Man: “I’m fixing your roof tiles, remember?”
Me: “I FORGOT!”
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Did a Yoga for Beginners class this morning. What comes before the beginner class?
my 8yr old daughter has to touch 3 cats before she can do anything.
we only have two cats.
I can’t be the only one that sees the day when
a direct message from a catfish is called carp DM.
A pork chop is one of the most dangerous karate moves a pig is capable of.
I’m 48 years old and I pronounce pumpkin like PUN-KIN.
Bite me.
When a woman suddenly shuts up, a man can hear the theme from Psycho discreetly playing in the background.
Tim Burton: I have a movie to pitch
Exec: oh boy here we go
Tim Burton: it’s a love story
Exec: go on
Tim Burton: about two people from different parts of town
Exec: sounds pretty cute actually
Tim Burton: oh and he’s super emo and has scissors for hands
Exec: there it is
My son went into a bank 5 mins ago and I’m waiting in the car. Now I’m hearing sirens in the distance and I’m hoping I’m not a getaway car.
If you’re about to be attacked by a werewolf, loudly say “WHO’S GETTING A BATH? SOMEBODY’S GONNA GET A BATH!” and he’ll run away and hide.
I’m never more unattractive than when a bee flies in my face
Protip: To get teens to help bring in groceries, always ask if they want anything before you leave. They’ll be waiting at the door when you return.
“I’m sorry I didn’t see your text, I didn’t have my phone” is bullshit.
“I’m sorry I didn’t see your text, my phone was four feet away and a cat climbed into my lap” is real. It’s possible. It’s terrifying.
HOT SINGLES HAVE MIGRATED AWAY FROM YOUR AREA DUE TO CLIMATE CHANGE
[at art museum]
Security: WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
Me: It needs more yellow
I consider myself a loyal person but not dog of a homeless guy loyal…
Robin Thicke is what would happen if a roofie became a human and decided to make music.
If you’re getting serious about someone, check what number their toaster is set on, because that’s what you’re going to be living with.
[dinner]
HER: lose the spear
ME: but you said we having wild rice
Preparing for my beach vacation by watching Jaws okay maybe this whole trip was a bad idea.
Sally: I Love You Mommy!
Me: Melts into a puddle.
Sally(5 minutes later to her breakfast): I Love You Waffles.
Me: Oh. ☹️
That feeling when he says you look angelic but you don’t know if he means you look really pretty or if you have an abnormally high number of eyeballs.
If you buy something with a lifetime warranty and it breaks, the manufacturer will send a hitman to your house.
Just Jedi mind tricked my BF into buying me a new phone. Well not really, I had to moan during sex and promised to be nice to his mom.
The Shining is my favorite Christmas movie about enjoying quality time with the family when you’re snowed in.
just found out I have poison ivy and the doctor gave me steroids so I guess now the plan is to get super jacked and go back and fight that plant
Anyone who thinks things have got so bad that they can only get better is showing a remarkable lack of imagination.
We can only blame SO much on trump. Some things are just Ryan Seacrest’s fault.
HER: *Points to my dish* I’ll have what he’s having
ME:*Blocks plate w/ my arms* This is mine
H: No, I mea-
M:*To waiter* Tell her it’s mine
In order for us to go on vacation we need to start by unpacking from our last vacation.
me on tinder:
– im a joker
– im a smoker
– im a midnight toker
– get my lovin on the runMe on LinkedIn:
– Copywriter
– Habit-oriented
– Studied philosophy
– Comfortable with hard work in fast paced environments