me: woah real life russian dolls
midwife: get out
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*unzips babybell cheese*
yeah. that’s him.
*rezips babybell cheese*
love it when they get my name right
Mom, can I have another piece of pecan pie?
“You mean MAY, not CAN”
Ok, mom can I have another piece of pemay pie?
My car spider built a web across my steering wheel & now I can’t go anywhere.
my 4yo threw a tantrum because I wouldn’t lock him in a storage bin & reader, I hesitated
8 has had his harmonica for barely a week and is already recording tutorials for his ‘fans’ so if anyone would like a class on how to sound like a cat choking on another cat hit me up
Brenda had wanted to surprise her husband with a camouflage theme Christmas tree but it’s almost March and they still can’t find it.
I’ll give up my thesaurus when you pry it from my frigid, frosty, frozen, cadaverous, lifeless, stiff, defunct extremities.
11y/o: Thanks for packing my lunch today, but next time…I’m gonna need more chocolate.
Narrator: But there was not more chocolate…In fact, there’s never more chocolate…For, her mother, eats it all.
I just want everyone to know my daughter is a monster. She is dipping french fries in honey mustard. I have failed as a mother.
An egg just followed me. Now I just need some bacon.
Show yourself some self-love.
No. Not in public.
You all think your dad’s cargo shorts are lame until you need to smuggle some Reese’s Pieces into the movie theater.
I waited around all morning for the mailman so I could grab his hand through the mail slot.
If God sent a flood to wipe out humans for being perverts what kinda nasty shit were the dinos into?
My kids can’t find any clean clothes because they packed them all for a trip. We leave in 5 weeks
Not sure what’s more bizarre…me sitting on the porch at 2am having a candy cigarette…or that my neighbor just waved at me while watering his lawn.
Number of times I’ve cooked Mac and cheese: 1000
Number of times I’ve thrown the box and then picked it up from trash to read the instructions: 1024
Her: how are you
Me: good
Her: you sure?
Me: yup
Her: you’re alright?
Me: yes..
Her: really?
Me:
Her: are y–
Me: people like you go missing
Wow, so it’s true… Toddlers in Tiaras is the prequel to 16 and Pregnant which is the Prequel to Intervention
My wife’s online shopping downstairs so I’m upstairs logged on to the same site and deleting everything in her cart.
Here I was walking around having a good day when suddenly my 10yo asks ‘isn’t it weird that out of all the multiverses we live in the one where Spider-Man is a fictional character?’
*Growling bear comes out of the woods*
Me: Aww, it’s a giant teddy.
Him: Are you crazy? Run!
Me: *arms wide open* Bring it in.
Bear:*embraces me & cries* This is all I ever wanted.
Me: it’s bed time!
My kids: PARKOUR!
Take them to a sporting event on your first date. You don’t want to waste time dating someone who claps like an idiot.
LOOK WHAT HAPPENED TO MY DASHBOARD DUCK PFPFODKDDBDB
I’ve broken all my New Year’s Resolutions so now I’m moving on to laws of nature.
Luke: forgive me father for I have sinned
Darth Vader: