Me: Woohoo, I survived Thanksgiving! I can relax now.
Anxiety: Haha…Christmas.
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Hasbulla scolds a kid for pinching his cheek 😭😭😭
*at funeral*
ME: I know how you feel
FRIEND: Dont bring up the time you only got yel–
ME: One time I only got yellows in my Starburst pack
A waffle is just a more considerate pancake. It’s like, here, let me hold that syrup for you in these convenient boxes.
Pretty cool how every single person who read The Secret is now a billionaire.
What I said:
GET IN THE CAR, WE’RE LATE!What my kids hear:
Start looking for a toy that was lost 5 years ago.
[Subway]
ME: i’ll have a footlong meatball sub on Italian herb & cheese thanks
SUBWAY: *train noises*
♫ Hey there Delilah, can we handle this discreetly
My stomach reacted badly
after eating old zucchini ♪
and I just pooooed ♫
Today I finally told my kids that St Patrick isn’t real, and it’s been me putting the snakes under their pillows all these years.
TSA agent: Ma’am you’re alarming in your abdomen.
Me, starving: You can hear that?!?
Them: …
Me: …
Them: It’s the drawstrings on your pants.
Me: They’re hungry too?!?
Just finished watching a movie, and I shall now begin my post-movie watching tradition of Googling who everyone in the cast is married to.
I could have been a monk but I missed my chants
*walks up to bouncer*
“sorry pal, this is a private country club”
*peeks inside*
[everybody’s fist pumping hard as heck to kenny chesney]
I just sighed so loud that my neighbor texted me, “What’s wrong?”
That’s the last time I follow some dude into the woods just because he tells me he’s a wizard.
I hope people who faint in public know that they’re making things super awkward for the rest of us.
Brit: You don’t say queue in America, do you?
Me: *condescendingly* We say all of the letters here.
Making fun of bands that only play 3 chords when I don’t even know what a chord is.
At any given time, I know more about the whereabouts of my Amazon packages than I do any member of my extended family.
this is the most humiliating day of my life
Oh Magic 8-Ball, will anyone ever love me?
an airline just for babies.
Just thinking up snappy comebacks to painful conversations I had 22 years ago. What are YOU doing?
ME: isn’t it weird how you get corn in your poop?
DOCTOR: yes but I’ve never seen an entire cob before
I knew a guy who came so fast it traveled through time, like he’d squeeze one boob and the jizz splattered my mom in 1955
Friend: She really likes you.
Me: Oh yeah?
Friend: She thinks you hung the moon.
Me: *who has been plotting for years to strangle the moon* Not yet.
My toddler eats with her right hand but is ambidextrous when it comes to total destruction.
I’m going to need a list of snacks that will be there before I show up.
me: hi, I have no power at my house
power company: ok, when did it happen
me: probably when we had kids, but it was a gradual shift
Auto correct changed “absence” to “absinthe” and now my kid’s school won’t let me be on the PTA.
Me: (checks Duolingo to see if there’s a lesson plan to learn the new weird slang my middle school kid uses unironically on a regular basis)