Me: *works out entire body a lot*
Arms: Lol no
Abs: Ehhh
Butt: haha what
Thighs: I WILL BE THE LARGEST IN THE UNIVERSE
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It’s like ten thousand spoons when all you need is to be launched into space.
“Pay attention to me, but not too much. Ignore me, but make me feel wanted. Let me know you want me, but don’t be clingy.”-women
Do regular dogs see poilce dogs and think “oh shit it’s the cops let’s run.”
Until zoom life I had no idea how many people dig in their ear.
Dear Santa, I’ve been good all year.
Most of the time.
Once in a while.
Never mind, I’ll buy my own stuff.
I’m sorry I hurt your feelings. Here’s a bag of frozen peas for any swelling.
Funny how the more time we spend at home, the more we look like homeless people.
If you’re 25 please stop saying you’re tired. I have bananas older than you.
If you’re willing to wait long enough, a closer parking spot near the gym will open up and you can let someone else have it while you go get donuts.
Googled woodworking. Broke my coffee table down and built a birdhouse. Desk is now a birdhouse too. Pretty much everything’s a birdhouse now
My childhood was fairly normal and I still turned out like this.
Pack fruit in your lunch so it can decorate your desk until you take it home again.
Instead of a flask I keep a small kitten in my jacket pocket that I pull out for a quick pet whenever I need a pick-me-up.
man I hope machines don’t become sentient robots in my lifetime because my voicemail lady would straight up kick the shit outta me
“You run like you’re making fun of running.” -my brother
channeling her this year
Your sister wives’ moms are technically mother-in-against-the-laws
[reaches into pocket for car keys]
Hand: I got nothing
Brain: they only ever go in that pocket
Hand: well I’m here & they’re not so
Brain: so we’re walking cos I put them in there & if they’re not there then they’re lost
Other hand: holy shit you guys are not gonna believe this
My Sherpa girlfriend is too high-mountainance.
I had eaten two bowls of Meow Mix before realizing I haven’t been getting much sleep lately.
Ah yes. My husband and I in our natural habitat.
Lying in bed on our phones whilst blowing pet hair off our screens.
Marriage is your wife:
– Saying you are “the smartest person she knows”
– But not trusting you to buy the right items at the store to make a salad
Thanks to smartphones, the toilet has been transformed from a place of quiet reflection to my remote business command center. I’m not avoiding work. I’m literally getting shit done.
The best baby age is when they say “baby” when they see another baby as though they themselves are not in fact also a baby.
Was Darth Vader a humidifier or dehumidifier?
[Subway]
ME: i’ll have a footlong meatball sub on Italian herb & cheese thanks
SUBWAY: *train noises*
“there’s no word that contains all the vowels in order”, I said facetiously
ME: *sees my shadow* holy shit i’m a groundhog
Old Billy from security really spoils our sniffer dogs.