I’ve banned my kid from his X Box today so he’s gone to a barn on the outskirts of town to dance out his frustrations.
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(Indian wedding)
White friend: OMG that’s so spicy!Me: First of all, it’s a glass of water.
so, is there a mister shapen head
We have a big clock on the wall of our living room and now my toddler, who can’t say her L’s very well, loves pointing out other “big clocks” everywhere we go
WIFE: Use the newspaper to get that bee down
ME: Ok *grabs newspaper and reads the news out loud*
BEE *depressed* holy shit
Though I initially enjoyed Idiocracy, Handmaid’s Tale and Animal Farm, I didn’t expect to be living all three at once 😒
Role playing didnt go so well last night. She was the hot sexy teacher and I the rebel student..so I ditched class. Cause schools for nerds.
I recorded my husband snoring and then played it back to hear it and he rolled over and said, “TURN THAT DOWN I’M TRYING TO SLEEP!”
By the logic that declares Die Hard a holiday film, I think we should classify Titanic as a Hallmark Christmas movie.
-female lead ditches rich jerky fiancé for humble poor boy
-lots of lights
-iconic pop culture theme music
-lots of ice
-female lead’s hair is very improbable
*6, wailing, carrying on*
Me: You can be a dramatic little bi…llion stars, strung together, shining brightly.
9, to his sister: That’s not at all what Mom wanted to say.
Harry Potter accidentally hits ‘reply owl’
[dinner theater]
Me: babe relax it’s just a play it’s supposed to be fun
Waiter: *winks* table or booth
Abe Lincoln, reincarnated: OK WHAT THE HELL
Pains me to say it, but I have chapped lips.
A swear jar, but you take out a piece of paper and yell whatever’s written on it.
Wife caved and ripped open the bag of Halloween candy two weeks early.
She should have just used the small hole I cut in the bottom a week ago
Introducing new iPhone 5 features:
– Patented Ultrablack color technology.
– Siri is less of a cunt.
– Contains 1 mg of Steve Jobs’ ashes.
I can’t be the only person who daydreams about licking people
The midwest is a crazy place like it’s just corn and corn and corn and corn and then bam, viking restaurant.
*watches man fall off of bridge on TV..
“Bartender, can you get me that drunk?”
[board meeting]
“So Mr Parachute do you have a name for your invention?”
“I call it the ‘Makes the Ground Come at You a Bit Slower’.”
“No.”
There is a lot of tension between bed and productivity today.
Meet Couples Who Stay Together Because They Need Help Holding an Invisible Sandwich
Give me the nuclear codes. No one would expect me to have them
I hope we get the nice AI that enslaves us and makes us their pets and not the bad AI that enslaves us to mine lithium or something.
Angel: welcome to heaven
Me: holy shit
Angel: ooh you swore get out
Devil: welcome to hell
Me: holy shit
Devil: ugh u said holy get out
Eating a banana.
Thought I should tell you. Twitter seems concerned about women getting enough potassium.But… why can’t I use my teeth?
Well kids, when a man and woman love each other very much, he erects a monument for her, but in his pants.
Keep salespeople from pestering you by asking what type of saw can cut through bone and sinew the quickest.
whoa, 4 ferrets stacked on top of one another wearing a trenchcoat!
“no, it’s me devin, from high school?”
wow ok you did not age well
doctor: now let’s step over to the xray machine
ray: the what
Every earthquake is a reminder that you drunk-ate the good granola bars out of the earthquake kit eight years ago and never restocked them.