“Keep it in your pants!”
-Original marketing slogan for cargo shorts.
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people are doing cold plunges and i’m like, when i take a bath the water is so hot you could boil pasta in it.
Top 3 screwdrivers:
1. Tool for turning screws
2. Vodka and orange juice
3. Method of Uber payment
Drink this wine, it’s the blood of Christ.Eat this bread, it’s the body of Christ.Jesus pulls out hotdog, “Now hear me out”
They say you are what you eat but I don’t remember eating a short, fat lady.
If your dog doesn’t come back when you call them just shout “Oh shit!” and look at the floor like you’ve dropped something
NOAH’S GOOGLE HISTORY
1) What is an ark?
2) How 2 build ark
3) Can god just build ark?
4) Are snakes necessary?
5) Is god real or am I high?
Most people don’t know this, but a canine that practices medicine is called a Dogter.
*stares at phone for 3 hours*
*puts phone down, reads book for 5 minutes*
*glances up from book*
Wow, look at all these braindead fools glued to their phones
ME FEAR ME (Women want fish)
i feel like if the avengers were real we’d really really hate them
I can’t lose this last 20 pounds so I’m just telling everyone that I’m pregnant now.
I saw a guy with antlers on his car, so I shot it.
Imagine how difficult it would be if you had two colleagues, one called Ian and one called Iain, but Iain only had one eye.
(Ok don’t let her know ur Jesus)
Girl: Meet my dad
*they shake hands*
*Dad stands up from wheelchair*
Dad: It’s a miracle!
Jesus: *facepalm*
In the movie Titanic it always bugged me that she stayed on the raft when clearly she had more body fat for warmth.
I used a calculator to figure out how long to warm an 8 pound ham and thought, “Thank God I spent $1,300 on that advanced calculus course.”
Twitter should offer Shkreli his account back for $10,000 and if he agrees say sorry and suddenly raise the price 5600%
I don’t usually sing Adele, but when I do, it’s usually on the toilet in the middle stall in the men’s washroom at work.
Tall, fit, great hair, dazzling smile, good with kids, excellent swordsman, right-handed.
~ Captain Hook’s Tinder profile ~
Ran into an ex-girlfriend. We talked, exchanged info, and she said her “insurance would call” me. Someones still carrying a torch!
Hey guys, remember when you could still refer to your knees as right and left instead of good and bad? Good times.
A great part of video game culture is how you can purchase a night at an inn, and you wake up with full health.
I’ve been to many hotels before, this does not actually happen.
If I were a Scooby Doo villain, I’d take the whole thing to court. How hard can it be to overturn the testimony of 4 kids who talk to a dog?
Any time I see a couple jogging together, I try to figure out which one of them is unhappy about it.
Sadly, no one came and cleaned my house while I was on vacation.
Boss: You need to work on your puncuality.
Me: Sorry, but commas, are hard, to place.
Boss: ….?
A really cute girl started working out next to me at the gym so i switched to super heavy weights to impress her someone please call an ambulance
Toddler: *5 minutes of incoherent babbling*
Me: Oh yeah?
Didn’t think the neighbors would notice the new bush, but this note asking me to wear pants suggests otherwise
[Catching wife in the bedroom with my best friend]
Wife: PUT ME DOWN YOU IDIOTS