Me: Would you consider going out with a guy a little older than yourself?
Her: Well of course I would. Why, do you have a son?
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Inside you are two wolves. Inside each of them? You guessed it: two more wolves. Are there two wolves inside each of those two wolves? You better believe there are. You are a wolf pyramid scheme, my friend.
Due to unforeseen circumstances, I will no longer be eating cheese I don’t remember putting in my purse
A guy laughed at me because I only have a 19″ TV. I suggested we not laugh about how many inches things are. That shut him up.
Clicking the tongs twice before tossing my work laptop on the grill.
The fact that there ain’t no rest for the wicked is probably why I’m always so tired
extremely rude of the target self-checkout camera to show me exactly what i look like
We parents need to stop threatening our kids with a lump of coal. It’s cruel and outdated.
Behave or Santa will break your iPad, kids.
I saw this ending much differently.
WIFE: you didn’t use my shampoo again did you?
ME: *shakes my head no but my lustrous hair gives me away*
Have you ever stopped & thought about how there are hundreds of millions of really nice suits just buried underground?
in college, i was the third-wheel so many times they called me The Tricycle
I don’t think I’m necessarily driving my husband crazy as much as I’ve already reached my destination.
Me: This little kid sitting next to me in a restaurant wouldn’t stop screaming so I decided to scream back and wow I totally get why kids scream it’s so freeing and so much better than actually verbalizing your emotions
Therapist: I think you’re regressing
Me: *screams* am i?
Sorry, can’t talk right now. Too busy thinking about how the only part of my reflection I can lick is my tongue.
My kids just deliberated over which pumpkins to pick at the patch for longer than I deliberated whether to get pregnant with them.
7yr old: I’m going to set a world record for walking in circles around this chair. “Alexa, set a time for 90 minutes.”
Me: Do you realize that’s an hour and a half?
7: Oh, “Alexa, set a timer for 5 minutes.”
Today’s episode of Wheel of Fortune has been cancelled because Jesus took the wheel.
When my son was in grade school the teacher asked the class what they should do if they think there is a fire and he shouted GO TURN THE STOVE OFF DINNER IS READY
I crashed into a telephone pole during my drivers test but then I said just kidding and my instructor still passed me
Capitalism is controlled by an “invisible hand” that gives most people the invisible finger.
This earthquake was the first time that I’ve ever said, “it was 4.7, but felt bigger.”
I can’t afford one of those copper bracelets for pain so I just swallow a few pennies a day
.I’m a woman. Sometimes I want you to hold me while I sleep and sometimes I want you to shove my panties in my mouth. It’s complicated.
Last week I chopped my neighbour’s tree and now it’s growing back because his-tree repeats itself…
I establish dominance by setting my 8 layer dip next to your 7 layer dip at your party.
I have a habit of 5 starring bad movies on amazon because if I wasted 90+ minutes on that crap, I want you to suffer too.
8 just said we should get her mom “something to do with napping” for christmas “because she likes napping” and I’m not sure I’ll be able to protect her through this
Just heard a young parent say “Brantley is a demon child.” Well, you’re the one who named him Brantley. Maybe take a hard look in the mirror, Judith.
*watching James Blunt mouth “not you” to me after singing You’re Beautiful in concert*
Wife: I want to have another baby
Me: one is more than enough
Wife: we have 3
Me: the others know how I feel