Me: Would you consider going out with a guy a little older than yourself?
Her: Well of course I would. Why, do you have a son?
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The adult life I imagined as a child involved less laundry and more group dance numbers.
Victor Frankenstein being only 23 years old when he made the monster is crazy to me, he should have been at the club.
My 3 yr old nephew: I learned numbers at school today.
Me: Cool, tell me a number you learned.
3: P & H
Me: this new math is challenging
Me: got the Infinity Gauntlet from Thanos
Iron Man: snap and bring everyone back
Me: [turning things into puppies] hold on
Wife: I want a divorce because your enthusiasm’s turned into bitter sarcasm
Tony the Tiger: great
They say that exercise may help you live longer. Guess the grim reaper doesn’t want to make that much of an effort to catch up with you when you’re walking.
My family using a Ouija board to summon my spirit: “Are you with us? Please, shows us you are here! Wait, it’s moving… o-m-g-w-h-a-t-d-o-y-o-u-w-a-n…”
[Date]
(don’t let her know you’re an alien larva)Her: I wonder where he is?
*I burst through her chest*
Me: Did you order yet? I’m starved
[8 eating some chips]
8: Can I eat the whole bag?
Me: No, just the chips that are inside
reminder that one halloween i got an “unknown activity” alert on my security camera and it was me in a shrek costume
Be honest, the only reason our generation played outside more as kids is because we had really shitty graphics back then.
Fun fact: the person who said “If you love something let it go” died alone, surrounded by 342 cats.
There’s a fine line between “I slept great” and “what did I do to my neck?”
In 2004 I took one bite of a Nature Valley granola bar in my car, and I’m still finding crumbs today.
Crazy how my 3-year-old can expertly maneuver the Android operating system but can’t put on a flip flop.
Googled my symptoms and it turns out it’s just 2022.
As I drove into the cemetery, the GPS announced I had reached my final destination.
My weight? That’s on a need to know basis and I don’t need to know!
[bicycle race]
Me *way behind because I’m struggling to ride two unicycles at once* wait
At this point, the only thing longer than 2020 is the story which my 7YO is narrating
Remember when a blue moon was a rare and romantic thing, and now it’s probably something terrible on Urban Dictionary?
“Dad, what caused the Great Fire of London?”
[googles but can’t get wifi] Well son, that’s when Bach dropped the most fire mixtape of 1666
Me: *getting struck by lightning*
Kid: Mommy, can I have a snack?
[Thanksgiving 2020]
Me *crying*: I’m fine, just chopping onions
Him: that’s a carrot
Biting her lip, she felt herself grow hot when she saw the sheer size of him.
“You’re so big,” she cooed to her student loan debt.
If someone says they just love the smell of books, I always want to pull them aside and be like, to be clear, do you know how reading works
Always.
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[Lying on the grass, staring at the full moon]
Her: You looked different in your profile picture.
Werewolf: I forgot to check the calendar