ME: Would you ever get a tattoo?
DAD: I don’t even highlight in books
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Oh, so you’re a human?
name three pictures with traffic lights in them
In Twilight, if Jacob just got some therapy maybe he could be a Self-Awarewolf
Welcome to your forties.
You brag about how early you went to bed and you’re jealous if someone beats you.
Oscillating fans are for when you want to be cool every 4-8 seconds.
“Why does the Gingerbread Man have super speed? It doesn’t make sense.”
“Dessert goes pretty fast.”
“Please shut up.”
I thought this house was haunted by a ghost but it turned out it was Bruce Willis the whole time. Also, I broke into Bruce Willis’ house.
Leonardo Dicaprio is like driving in a school zone. You don’t go above twenty-five.
Look, don’t call it a salad “bar” if you’re going to tell me I can’t do ranch dressing shots.
Just realized the Master Card logo is a Venn diagram.
[shady nighttime meeting at the aquarium]
AQUARIUM EMPLOYEE: eels are already pretty slippery man
ME: shut up and help me butter them
As the parent of a 5yo boy, I can name all the dinosaurs and none of my coworkers.
[killer in horror movie suddenly appears]
me: *sighing* ugh I JUST sat down
My next-door-neighbor is such a bitch that regardless of what she says to me; I simply reply, “You’re barking up the wrong tree.”
35+ crowd getting ready for the Teddy Riley vs Babyface battle
Could you play us a song?
Cat Stevens: Maybe.
*Sets guitar on table*
Cat Stevens: *Maintains eye contact-slowly pushes guitar off table*
“Inflation isn’t new. Just imagine jacking up the price on items because you can and their location is convenient.”
*vending machines have entered the chat*
Customers love saying “I’ll have one of these” while pointing at a sign I can’t see.
I’m pretty sure all of the 7 dwarfs were named after a stage of Snow Whites’ heroin addiction.
son: dad sing me a song
me: alright *clears throat* SHAWTY HAD THEM APPLE BOTTOM JEANS
wife from the other room: JEANS
me: BOOTS WITH THE FUR
wife: *shows up, grabs both door handles and drops it low* WITH THE FUR
me: THE WHOLE CLUB WAS LOOKING AT HER
I’m a human alarm clock so when I wake up this early for no reason, I punch myself in the face to turn myself off.
[Interview with a Vampire]
Interviewer: hah, your resume says ‘bleedership skills’, what a funny typo!
Vampire: *nervously tapping fingers, not making eye contact*
I’m not saying you’re stupid, but you look like the kind of guy who’d play Russian roulette with an automatic pistol.
This morning I brushed my hair with an American Girl doll brush because, apparently, she is the only one in my house who puts things back where they belong.
Me: Is there alcohol in this?
Barista: … No ma’am.
Me: Can there be?
Got kicked outta Starbucks for trying to order a venti mocha choca latta ya-ya creole lady marmalaaaaaaaaade.
It’s so weird that AI applications keep getting forced on us even though they barely work. It’s like if when potato chips hit the market, every bag was half full of pencil shavings.
You ever not fold your laundry for so long by the time you get around to it, none of the baby clothes fit the baby anymore?
a haunted house, but every room is just learning more about Will & Jada.
Dear everyone,
I’ve seen all of your tweets this year.
You’re all getting dictionaries for Christmas.Sincerely,
Santa Claus.