Me: Would you have a minute to speak about my lord and savior, nachos supreme?
Her: Sir, for the last time just tell me your order.
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@thefunnytweeter With the way my diet is going, I think I’ll be much more slimmer after this quarantine.
Sure, tell me about the dream you had. It will give me a chance to count my teeth with my tongue.
Spend a few hours without your phone and you’ll realise what the important thing in your life is.
It’s your phone.
My phone autocorrects ‘sex’ into ‘pez’ in case you were wondering just how dead my pez life is.
I feel like Google doesn’t really work anymore.
This isn’t fat this is a stockpile. I’m doomsday prepping.
When asked my theory on Amelia Earhart’s disappearance I said “maybe she went black” and now I don’t have to help with homework
Receptionist: the doctor can see you now
invisible man who’s also blind: who said that
receptionist: who said that
My 13yo is upset that the tooth fairy didn’t leave him any money last night and I’m upset that I have a kid who still believes in the tooth fairy
Computer: shutting down
Me: same
nothing kills high school nostalgia faster than a scroll down your facebook feed
My wife keeps telling me I need glasses
but I prefer to drink right out of the bottle
What a beautiful crisp spring day. The birds are singing, the sun is shining and I’m seething with anger as I think about what someone said to me 25 years ago.
Saying no thanks to a CW’s offer to hit me with their car so I could take the day off proves decisions shouldn’t be made before coffee
I wonder if BBQ thinks about me too.
[picks up hitchhiker]
“Hope ur not a mass murderer. Haha”Actually I am.
“WHAT”
APRIL FOOLS!
“Whew”
I’m technically a serial killer.
What if all your muscles can taste but your tongue is the only one you usually put food on
“Honey, have you seen the baby? I haven’t seen the baby since I asked you to throw out the bath wat–OH DEAR GOD!!” – birth of an expression
Help Wanted
David Attenborough: The faster antelope species always keep their slower cousins, the cantaloupe, nearby to throw under the feet of predators to trip them thus creating a hilarious pile up on the savannah.
So 10’s school is having PJ day tomorrow and asked the parents who drop off to wear theirs too..
Should I tell them I sleep in the nude or just show up?
No pizza delivery in prison is the reason why I haven’t murdered anyone yet.
With the money I found in the dryer, the girl in me says buy chocolate and candy, but the adult in me says buy beer, chocolate and candy.
[slips the bus driver £20]
“Maybe you let me ride the bus for free?”
A couple of years ago, I convinced my son I don’t know how to clap. He’s been trying to teach me ever since. I’m hoping I can keep this going til I stand up and slow clap during his high school graduation
Tequila, because sometimes you and your toilet need to hug it out.
Okay hear me out.
I cooked up bacon in my cast iron, then made sausage patties in the bacon grease, and THEN made gravy out of the bacon AND sausage grease.
I’d marry me
Me: I’m smart!
Also me: That is the weirdest looking otter I’ve ever seen!
Hubs: That’s because it’s a seal
If I win the lottery I’m gonna run political style ads about my neighbor
JERRY THINKS IT’S OK TO PARK A CAR ON THE GRASS AND HE DRINKS CHEAP BEER FROM A SHOE
Me: “Hello, I’m here for my interview at IKEA.”
Interviewer: “Come on in! Make a seat!”