Me: Would you remarry if I died?
Wife: Yes.
Me: What?!? Would you at least WAIT awhile?
Wife: Depends. Are you dead because I killed you?
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Friend: If you could have dinner with anyone alive or dead, who would you choose?
Me: Definitely an alive person
Friend:
Me: Better conversation
All I’m saying is that there is enough time left of 2020 for some guy to open up a theme park with real dinosaurs that will eventually break free and eat us all.
I’ve eaten about half a case of Skinny Pop this morning. How long does it take to start working?
Where do you see yourself in five years?
Me: In a mirror probably unless new technology exists.
[interviewer thinking] holy smokes he’s good
The only thing I’ve ever dropped at midnight is my standards.
[drive thru] I just really need to talk about Buffy the Vampire Slayer and you’re the only one awake.
The inventor of rock, paper, scissors must have been an extremely dangerous man if he considered paper a weapon.
We need to invent a rectangular fruit now that the banana is no longer an accurate representation of the phone-shape. Lotta my bits don’t make sense anymore.
[First day on the job with Scooby-Doo and the gang]
Me: ok this giant dog keeps eating my sandwiches
recipe: 1/4 cup fresh cilantro
cilantro at the store: here’s a bouquet. i’ll be rotten tomorrow
The @NewYorker buying Twitter ads to promote its article about how Twitter is dying kind of undercuts the thesis
would u rather live through 2020 again or that year where every public place was simultaneously playing radioactive by imagine dragons all the time
My wife got home and was mad when she saw I fed my son cake, banana, popcorn and M&M’s for dinner. I was like, “You saw the banana, right?”
Me, bewildered: “What is this odd thingy?”
H: It’s called a wine stopper.
Me, whisper cries: “Why would anyone want to stop the wine?”
What did you think was happening when the #earthquake hit?
My kid brother used to have a lazy eye and had to wear an eye patch.
My whole body is lazy so I’m wearing my couch.
I used to love pretending I was Captain America and flinging a garbage can lid at kids in the neighborhood. But then my wife made me stop.
Me: You’re on my VERY LAST NERVE!
2020: Nope.
me: how did you get ink all over your skirt?
wife: oh umm, the printer at work exploded
dave the squid: [in the closet] just tell him about us
My daughter’s main food groups are pancakes, watermelon, cheese, and her mother’s patience.
[Budapest airport]
IMMIGRATION: So what is your purpose for visiting Hungary?
ME: [holding huge bag of marbles] I wanna see the hippoes.
Is that all?
“I wanna stab you.”
Huh?
“Cut your throat.”
What?
“Drink your blood.”
Um.
“Have your baby.”
Uh.
“Kidding! I’ll have a coke.”
figure skating was invented in 1947 when a box of sequins collided with two knives
Is it “butt” naked or “buck” naked? Either way, this dentist appointment is making me very uncomfortable.
Deodorant? No, I’ve never needed to buy any. People just give it to me, complete strangers sometimes
I’m not sure how many problems I have because math is one of them.
My mother & wife are scared to death of each other, so they both ask me to help word their emails to each other. So, the communication between my mother and wife has *evolved* into me writing emails to myself. They get along great lately. It took me too long to figure this out.
[6 months after breaking up]
Me: AND ANOTHER THING,
Flex on your relatives by answering their phone call.
In my house, where there’s smoke there’s dinner.