Me: Would you tell a friend or co-worker if they have bad breath?
Wife: Of course
M: Even tho it’ll upset them?
W: Yes, must be cruel to be kind
M: *handing over mouthwash* You’ll be needing this, then
W: I despise you
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Life’s most terrifying 10 seconds: Being held hostage in the corner of the shower by cold water.
Adam: hey this is amazing we’re the first people ever, can you belEVE it lol
Eve: oh right, you like puns
Adam: have you EDEN dinner yet lmao
Eve: think I’m gonna go talk to this shady looking snake
This is so embarrassing, what’s your name again?
– me, the first 30 times I meet everyone
my nudist neighbours are moving away and selling everything and I’m thinking the washer and dryer will be worth a look
I accidentally rubbed some ketchup in my eye. Now I have Heinz sight.
One cake enters. No cake leaves.
GUY WHO INVENTED STEW:
I wish this plate of meat & vegetables was damp.
A slice of pie in the Bahamas is $2.00, in Jamaica it’s $2.50.
These are the pie rates of the Caribbean.
Mission Control: prepare to enter the vacuum of space
Dog Astronaut: wait the what now
Halloween is the perfect time to trick people into believing you aren’t really going to use that ice pick you’re carrying around.
Lawyer: Is there any chance they’ll find the victim’s DNA on your clothes?
Me: No way, I used a lint roller.
Lawyer: Wait what?
Me: Yeah just *pantomiming a lint roller*
Nothing snaps a woman into full blown CSI mode faster than an unfamiliar ponytail holder in her car.
them: the new Batman film will be totally raw and gritty
me:
Wrote in my Gratitude Journal, like I do every day, that I’m particularly thankful for my Spite Journal, which now comprises several handsome volumes.
There’s no low-key way to explain how you’re donating a third lung to the local medical school
Pac Man is my favourite video game about my life.
It keeps getting harder and I can’t stop eating everything in sight.
If I ever have to have open heart surgery I hope my fridge busts in and stares into open me for ten minutes hoping to see something good
Getting noise cancelling headphones for when the kids are home is sound advice
My 5 year old memorized my phone number and I just figured out he gives it to everyone he encounters
Everyone wants a wild, obsessive love until it parks on their lawn and sets up a tent next to the shrubbery.
mom: Why are your eyes red? Are you high!?
[flashback to me cry-singing Taylor Swift’s “Love Story” in the car on the way over]
me: Yes
Parenting is cheering on your kid’s winning softball team all weekend and then cheering on the Sunday rain for cancelling the rest of the games.
Why do you even see a psychologist? They they are just people that weren’t smart enough to be psychics.
All I’m saying is why blame it on being lazy when you can blame it on being old?
Turns out I wasn’t in narnia, I was in my dishwasher high on bath salts
It’s not you, it’s me.
-Twins looking through old photographs.
Who decided to call them “wedding vows” instead of “veiled threats”?
Playing dead for the alarm clock doesn’t seem to be working
[detention facility]
Jeff: I’m in for littering what are YOU in for?
Jeoff: loitering
Kylo Ren: What was Vader like?
Leia: He blew up my planet & killed everyone I loved.
Kylo:
Leia:
Kylo: What was his stance on sideburns?