ME: Wow I have to print this document right now
PRINTER: Like, right right now?
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I own a lot of cleaning supplies for someone whose friends inscribed “dust me” on my coffee table recently.
It’s always “Why aren’t you married yet?” And never “I have an old rich friend on the verge of death I’d like to introduce you to.”
ZOO BOSS: You’re fired!
ME: Is it because I cross bred a dog with a zebra and called it a Debra, after my wife?
BOSS: Yes. Yes it is.
‘Here Comes Honey Boo Boo’ is the reason I always donate money to Planned Parenthood.
Women: I need a man that can open pickle jars and kill spiders
Me: *Opens a jar of spiders* Did I do this right?
Whenever I seductively unbutton my pants, I always maintain full eye contact with the waiter so he knows I want more table bread.
>when you hit the end game in a JRPG but your party is underleveled
*lost in China*
Friend: ask that man where we areMe [pretending to speak Chinese with a local]: xian chan sēn
F: well?
Me: we’re in China
7YO: Can I eat ice cream now?
Me: Did you eat your greens?
7YO: Cows eat grass and then give milk I’ll get my greens from the ice cream
It is snowing perfect snowball packing snow right now, so I was wondering if anyone would like to walk slowly past my house?
I bought a baby monitor, because someone told me it would be useful.
But it just sits around basking in the sun and eating flies.
My age reversal cream is working. It gave me zits.
Indian Brothers & Sisters: You know all those awful things Columbus did to the Native Americans? Just remember…HE WAS LOOKING FOR US
I think people who “like” bloody Mary’s are lying
Cold vodka tomato soup? Let’s be serious
One of my new rescue dogs is really into laying on the couch and watching FRIENDS.
I think he’s my soulmate.
I don’t mind the thought of guardian angels watching over me. I just want them to stop giggling when I shower.
women will be like ‘i just want to be friends’ and then turn around and use a can opener to open some tuna. idk, I’ve never spoken to a woman, im just trying to post relatable content, am I close
BFF: You better be dying calling me at 2 AM.
Me: This is important! If Kim Possible marries Ron Stoppable and take his last name does that change her ability to do anything?
BFF: I hate you.
Boss, I can’t come in today. Got a bad case of-
*puts hand over phone*
-what was it again?
Daughter: Boogeritis.
*to phone*
It’s Boogeritis.
I do nostril kegels. Girls love strong nostrils.
ME: I’m sorry, I’m just really bad with names.
HIM: Hey, don’t worry about it. Do you want to check your wallet? It’ll be on your driver’s license.
My doctor wants me to take a stress test.
I should pass with flying colors. I’ve been studying for this my whole life.
[God inventing pain]
God: This is how humans will know they need to heal physically.
Angel: But how will they know if they need emotional healing?
God [inventing Linkin Park]: worry not
On our walk this morning I mentioned that my legs were sore.
Hubs: I’ll carry you!
6: How can you carry her? She’s heavy!
Me: Daddy is strong…and I’m not THAT heavy!
6: Welllll, you LOOK heavy.
My upstairs neighbours are absolutely nailing their blacksmithing class.
A dog catcher implies the existence of a cat dogcher.
“HELP! Frankenstein’s attacking me!”
911: Frankenstein? Or Frankenstein’s *monster*?
“AAAH he ripped my arm off”
911: Which one did, sir
Wait is Venmo down too?? Venmo me I’m curious
Just ate a burrito the size of a baby *coughs up pacifier*
i always see couples holding hands but how do you become part of a couple? do you just leave your hand out and if someone holds it, you’re a couple