me: wow the stars are beautiful
gf: omg babe they really are
me: u know who else is beautiful?
gf: *blushes* who? :3
me: Harambe
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[Kids party]
Wife: did you hire a magician like I asked?
Me: yep
[Backyard]
Mortician: next we’ll cut open the chest cavity like so…
[throwing out the baby]
Me: Oh shit, my bathwater!
Cashier’s playing dumb cause I said “venti” at a non-Starbucks. You know what I mean, dude, just point me to the biggest dildo you guys got.
I used to workout to get laid. Now its to impress whoever will be performing my autopsy.
Fun Prank:
Use Bluetooth to play 30 second blasts of Napalm Death on your neighbours stereo. They’ll think they have a poltergeist and move
If a burglar broke in, my dog would lick their face. But bubbles, on the other hand…
“Robots are going to take your job” yeah ok have you ever watched a roomba for even five seconds
*travels back to 1930’s*
okay and that’s why you’ve got to kill hitler
FBI: wait so you can just look at naked lady videos anytime you want
COW: I’m constipated
DR DOG: when was ur last bowel moooo-vement lol
C: ur doing puns right now?
DD: gonna milk this for all its worth lmao
Authentic isn’t automatically good. You could be an authentic douchebag.
If you’ve never said “I love you too” in a way that sounds a tad bit angry, then you must not have kids you are trying to put to bed.
I’ve been filming the couple next to me on this flight for the last 45 minutes hoping they’ll do something that could go viral. No good content so far (the woman looks very uncomfortable and the man keeps threatening to have me arrested)
If I die, someone please tell my husband that my shoes are worth six times as much as I said I paid for them.
Staring at my daughters dolls and wondering which one will kill me in my sleep.
I start undressing you with my eyes. About halfway through, your zipper gets caught on my cornea and I start screaming in agony.
I haven’t ironed in 17 years, except for that emergency grilled cheese sandwich I made.
*gets bitten by a radioactive bear
*before developing super powers, gets eaten by radioactive bear
wife: maybe you should start working out again
me: [literally sweating from trying to open a can of pringles] why
Im bored… I think I’ll go to the mall, find a great parking spot and sit in my car, with the reverse lights on…
me: just tell me I don’t die in an Arby’s bathroom stall
Death: [sadly looking up from his book] look, what matters is how you lived
me *eating a piece of cake*
trainer: Where did you get that?
Me: [starts singing quietly to myself while doing dishes]
My 5-year-old, who regularly screams for no reason: Stop that
I threw my bra on stage at a concert once. It landed somewhere in the flute section.
Practice self-care like a mummy, wrap your body tightly with a blanket & put an ancient curse on anyone who disturbs you.
Sometimes I wish I understood what some of you said and sometimes I am happy that I don’t.
[phonecall w criminal]
FBI Agent: keep him on the line for 2 more minutes
me: ok.. *twirling phone cord* no you hang up. haha no you hang up
(strolls into men’s warehouse)
yes, and hello and how much to
keep all my mens here
Person: Hi, my name is *my brain plays 3 seconds of air horn*
Me: I’m sorry, what was that?
Person: I’m *air horn*
Me: Again?
Person:
Parents, need a little free time Easter morning?
Have your kids hunt for Easter eggs that you never hid.
Bonus points for telling them they’re getting warmer.
I tried a push-up once but I decided I really do like lying on my face more.