Me: Wow this recumbent bike is pretty comfortable.
Trainer: Ok now start pedaling.
Me: What?
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I’m just one bad financial decision away from a flip phone.
Half the time I hug anyone I’m just wiping my hands off on their back.
ME: I’m allergic to suggestions.
FRIEND: You should get that checked out.
ME: *swelling up like a balloon* You’re not the boss of me.
[planning vacation]
Alexa, show me extradition treaties
Everyone preaches body acceptance, until you show up naked at the company picnic.
The scariest sound is an unknown crash followed by my 9 year old yelling “It’s OK! There’s nothing wrong! You don’t need to come up here”
So much has changed in such a short period of time. But whoa is still spelled whoa.
Me: it’s cold and wet.
Wipers: want me to smear the rain all over so you can’t see?
Me: n-no.
Defroster: I’ll fog every window in this car.
Me: why?
Windshield: here’s a small spot above the steering wheel to look through.
Me:
Windshield: I’m gonna need you to hunch over.
My acting career began at a very early age, when my mom asked who broke the vase in the hallway.
Her: Have you sold anything since you became a writer?
Me *stares around my empty house* everything
I know my car needs a wash and valet, but with 3 kids still at home I figure I may as well wait until the youngest moves out. She’s 7.
my (38F) identical twin daughters (11F) met at summer camp and have unionized
Cop: First name please…
“Frida”
Cop: Last name…
“Gomam”
Cop: You’re Frida Gomam?
*peels out*
Cop: Nice, nice
HER: I just put the baby down for his nap
ME: maybe he’ll actually sleep this time so we can have sex
BABY:
[First Date]
I’ll just have a salad.
[Second Date]
*shoves a whole brisket in my maw like a bear going into hibernation*
me, after any kind of buffet.
The worst part about having PMS in the winter is the ground is too frozen to bury the bodies.
Away on business, sitting at the hotel bar a hot lady walks over and whispers in my ear, it’s 500 for the night.
*Whispering back. How much for the whole chess set?
Raising children takes a village, preferably one with many vineyards.
Goldfish1: Check out my new castle.
Goldfish2: Castles are symbols of feudalistic oppression of the agrarian working class.
Goldfish1: Calm down. Take a lap around the bowl.
[5 seconds later]
Goldfish2: Hey, cool castle!
If you think you’re having a bad morning, my son is crying because his sock doesn’t feel right.
16th CENTURY KING: Fear not, for I have come
COURT JESTER: lol that’s what she spake
If you listen real closely, you can hear my alarm clock laughing as I set it.
Does beer think about me too?
Breakfast: “Coffee, please.”
Lunch: “Just grilled chicken over a small salad.”
Dinner: “I’ll take a wheelbarrow full of lasagna and enough chocolate to kill a horse.”
It’s a good thing when your therapist sits down with a bucket of popcorn, right?
Nothing scarier than unlocking your phone in front of coworkers and not remembering what the last thing on your screen was.
I don’t have an insurance policy on myself because there’s no sense in tempting my wife more than she already is.
When I was sixteen, I had to learn how to drive a stick, because we couldn’t afford a car.