Gun control sounds like a dangerous but exciting way to change the channel
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You know it’s time to quit smoking when you laugh at a tweet and you sound like Muttley.
A cheese so sharp you have to hand it to people backwards.
I’ll never invest my money in Facebook, mostly because it’s the place where people I went to high school with own pretend farms.
Imagine being 5 minutes from the end of the longest movie ever & it starts over because it forgot something. That’s my kid telling a story.
When a movie says “Based on a true story.” it means this is sort of what happened but with way uglier people.
There are two types of people: Those who are always ten minutes early and those who think it only takes ten minutes to get anywhere, and they marry each other.
It was probably the machine that kept the world from turning to shit.
This ebola scare is getting out of hand I just threw ebola at someone who said good morning to me before I had my coffee
Best Halloween yard decorations 😂
Spice up Christmas shopping by entering random fitting rooms, waiting 5 minutes, then yelling, “Hey! There’s no toilet paper in here!”
If you’re wondering what all these scratches on my chest are from, it’s because my cat hates to get in the hot tub with me.
me when I see my crush
By age 35 you should have
– absolutely no idea why you came into the room
– no desire to be out past 8 pm
– an extensive collection of shopping bags and gift bags shoved into other shopping and gift bags
SO GOOD NEWS EVERYBODY MY SON HAS LEARNED HOW TO WHISTLE
sigh
[job interview]
“Tell me about yourself.”
I have a lot of experience.
“Great, can you elaborate?”
They’re bad experiences.
Cake by the ocean?
*scoffs*
Cake is a terrible beach snack
> be 28
> mom tells me to get a job
> put on Braveheart face paint
> run into kitchen
> scream FREEDOM
> mom tells me to get a girlfriend
My biological clock is telling me it’s lunch time
[on way to play charades with gf’s family]
I don’t wanna go
why
I don’t wanna look silly
you won’t
*first thing I have to act out is pasta*
[last day of creative writing class]
“are u ready to name ur band?”
Dave Matthews: u bet i am
I believe it was Gandhi who said “never create passwords for apps when you’re shitfaced”
Mcdonalds Drive thru: Do you want a girl toy or a boy toy?
Me: You have those here?!
A spider so big you politely ask it to leave the premises & then sheepishly accept its refusal with all the dignity of a French surrender.
My kid: “Mommy, can you teach me how to pick a lock?”
Me, on the other side of the bathroom door: “No.”
me: how do you say one in Spanish anyway
them: uno
me: no i don’t
“Adult assembly required” bro, how tf do you build an adult?
Me: *taking an art appreciation class*
Instructor: Please bring my students back
Friend: We adopted our dog one year ago.
Me: I always suspected that because it doesn’t look like either of you.
Friend: My car is making a weird noise
Me: Have you tried essential oils?