[ IDEA ]
An alarm clock where Samuel Jackson just keeps yelling at you until you get up
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Imagine being a ghost in a school and you think no one notices you, but then one day you hear everyone talking about ‘school spirit’ and you get super pumped and think ‘man, maybe they DO know im here’ and then you find out that school spirit is a pizza lunch and jeans day
(Job interview)
“How would you describe yourself?”
I’m very vague
“Ok, can you be more specific?”
No
Me: Got my finger stuck in this beer bottle.
Wife: How?!
M: Just help me.
W: Have you tried butter?
M: It’s delicious. Now will you help me?
Are chicken nuggets an emotion because i feel very chicken nuggets right now
I guess “Victoria’s Secret Angel” does sound better than “flightless pantybird”
People are like, “How cute! Your dog looks just like you!” I’m like, “That’s my son.”
My son learned to play baby shark on his trumpet and my other son learned to play baby shark on his clarinet please respect my privacy during this difficult time
Verizon: congrats you get a free phone if you spend $300 for a charger and $30 for a set up fee and $50 for a phone case and $500 for us to not be rude to you.
Me, first day as a prosecutor: *whispering* ᵍᵘⁱˡᵗʸ ᵖᵉᵒᵖˡᵉ ˢᵃʸ ʷʰᵃᵗ
Defendant: What?
Me: I rest my case, your Honor.
Him: How close is the storm?
Me: Let me check
*laptop blows away*
Pretty close.
I used to have dreams.
Now I have Doritos.
Me: Liquor then beer, hit a deer
Cop: Please get out of the vehicle
Apparently “this house is a prison” wasn’t the right thing to say when my husband made me get out of bed this morning.
If you ever see me on my death bed, please take me off my death bed & move me to my alive bed thx
I don’t just have a chip on my shoulder— I’ve got the whole potato
it’s “singles awareness day” uh yeah ok thanks I’m aware
School email said if we shop at a certain store a potion will be donated, and that sounds way more exciting than money
I’m pretty sure the rule at Starbucks is the slowest employee makes the drinks
My typo game is string.
Sheriff: you mean to tell me you’ve walked into this town for a lame joke set up?
Stranger: things have happened
ME: my contract says I can work from home
BOSS: *pushes me out the door* not at mine
I get so crabby when strangers waste my time which is unfair to them because I waste almost all of my own time to begin with.
My doctor just asked me if I wanted a shot and I think I answered correctly because we are in a bar and this whiskey tastes really good
You ask me for the time and notice my watch is actually a live shrimp hugging my wrist, he whispers “12:30” but he’s guesstimating as shrimps usually do
Them: Would you slap a coworker for
25 000$?Me: I’d do it for a Costco hot dog
President, first day on the job: *pushing a button* Janet can you-
[two nuclear missiles launch towards Moscow]
That wasn’t the intercom.
[Museum]
Guard: Ma’am, please don’t touch the statue.
Me: But I’m almost finished painting her toenails.
Pharrell Williams put out a fire on Kim Kardashian’s dress this week. Dude is really taking that Smokey the Bear hat of his to heart.
I accidentally spilled water on the rice so I immediately put it in a jar of smartphones.
Sometimes I sit on my hand till it’s numb so it feels like someone else is googling my name