me: [yelling at houseplant] I AM NOT AN ALCOHOLIC
wife: I’m over here
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My 12yr old just handed me his proofs from picture day but before I could open the envelope he says “First, let me explain”
My boyfriend and I are into role playing-I pretend to be hotter and skinnier and he pretends not to be a Nigerian teen in an Internet cafe .
[first day as a botany professor]
me: who can tell me why plants release pollen in the spring?
student: to reproduce?
me: wrong. it’s to torture me specifically
15: what do you risk becoming from taking drugs….
Me: …addicted
15: what do you risk becoming from smoking cigarettes…
Me: …addicted
15: what smacked you in the face last night?
Me: …go to your room
Me: I think I drank too much yesterday and gave away half my wealth to you by mistake
Pizza guy: oh yeah about that, here’s your T.V. remote back
I get fat really quickly for someone who doesn’t want to
I’m only staying up until midnight to watch this year die.
Do you think police always say “Do you know why I pulled you over?” on the off chance that you’ll admit to some high crime?
“Shit… Was it the treason?”
Wife: I’m trying to decide between tacos or pasta for dinner. What are your thoughts?
Me: They’re, like, little voices that say things in my head.
I’m guessing Scientology would have a lot more followers if they would’ve just come out and said they were pimps right from the start.
I only block people that deserve it and those I don’t like because of completely made up scenarios.
if you want to follow me on mastodon it’s really easy, my gimble is chingus. Just type in bibbo into your gumblebox and then when the window pops up select your garpos and dangles and you’re halfway there. It only takes a second.
me: ever get halfway thru a sentence and forget where you are
cellmate: i wish
LADIES imagine this,
its 15 years from now. your son is up to bat. your daughter is cheering him on in the stands. your husband is nowhere to be found, you start to worry he’ll miss the game. suddenly, a tiny red convertible pulls up on the field. its your husband, Stuart Little
*Ghost Jail
Ghost 1: What’re you in for?
Ghost 2: Posession
Ghost 1: Nice
Show me a parent who has given 2 choices for dinner & I’ll show you a kid who picks something that wasn’t even an option
My 7yo gave up a simple joke thats good enough 2 laugh at.
Why did the chewing gum cross the road?
Cause it was stuck on the chicken’s foot!
Kids movies really made me believe that the greatest threats on earth were dogcatchers and quicksand
My perfect date would be a hike in the mountains, and her telling me all about it when she gets back.
*holds a grudge*
Grudge: PUT ME DOWN!
If you love someone let them go, if they come back without donuts let them go again.
Her: undress me with your words
Me: ummm… There’s a spider in your panties?
PA System: Attention shoppers, the store will be closing in five hours
Sloth: Uh oh
some people wear bees as beards you say? well that seems pretty foolish to me because I have had only one bee on my face and it is terrifying
Me: pass me that cup
Kid: *gives me cup*
Me: I didn’t say simon says haha
[Later]
Me: PASS… MY… INHALER
Kid: not falling for that again
Someone suggested a breakfast salad, and then I wondered why someone could be so mean.
[god creating hotdogs]
inflate that worm
What part of this $7.50 Wal Mart T-shirt makes you think I’d like to see the wine list?
This hand cream is expired, but it tastes completely fine.
Masks have freed me to do a whole lot of weird things with my mouth in public that I never even knew I wanted to do.