Me: Yes honey.. I know.. a stroller for the baby. I got it.
*hangs up*
Salesman: As I was saying, the largest hamster ball we sell is a-
You Might Also Like
just got an 8 min standing ovation for not asking any questions during a movie.
Overheard neighborhood story:
First person: my husband goes out and hoots at the owl every night around 8 and it answers.
Second person: MY husband goes out at hoots at the owl every night around 8 and it answers.
I’ve had no formal martial arts training, but I know for a fact the Power Rangers are wasting too much energy on unnecessary summersaults
Pro tip…Excessive use of alcohol can cause memory loss or worse memory loss.
Damn girl, are you an old ATM touchscreen? ‘Cause I’m pushing ALL the wrong buttons.
Just beat Eminem 4000 straight times at musical chairs by playing “The Real Slim Shady” over and over.
“Down”
“Penetration”
“Tight End”
“Ball handling”
Don’t the networks have censors any more?
Sometimes, when I need a snack, I like to eat a gummy vitamin or 100.
[prehistoric times]
MUM: When you get married, your husband will be the hunterDAUGHTER: So I gather
robbers: [leaving with my tv]
me: WAIT
robbers:
me: can you close the door
What is the acceptable amount of deviled eggs one can eat in a job interview? This dude just said 5 is too many, and that CANNOT be right?
Seagulls are like street signs. You don’t realize how big they are until you’re trying to steal one.
Does superman ever go back to get his clothes, or is Metropolis just full of hobos running around in glasses and Clark Kent outfits?
Wait one second “Mario Brothers” Implies that Luigi’s name is Luigi Mario and Mario’s name is Mario Mario….What is this I’m smoking again?
Just now on tube. Man in rush loses coat draped round shoulders in train doors. Woman retrieves it and calls out ‘Batman, your cape.’
My doctor called and said they couldn’t use the stool sample that I sent in and asked if I could give them another and I’m like “I thought you’d never ask!”
This day is looking better already!
I’m tired of pretending that people know what a first cousin once removed is.
TALL GUY: 6 feet, 4 inches.
ME: Wow! I only have two feet, but they’re regular sized.
All the pictures of me at age 20 are blurry because that’s when I was a human cannonball in the circus
My husband said he wants a blowie for his birthday. I don’t know what he’ll do with this snow blower in summertime…luckily it was on sale.
The amount of cream cheese I smear on a bagel when I’m dining out is VERY different than when I’m at home. Alone. With my tub of cream cheese.
My therapist says “being eaten by a bear” is not a “goal”.
My old classmates said I look the same as I looked 25 years ago.
I still look like a dork y’all 🙈
My teen’s stories have a beginning, middle, and I need $20.
Marriage is like a Rubik’s cube. One person is trying to solve the puzzle and the other one is switching the stickers around to win the game.
“Release the Kraken” I say as I push “clean” on the Roomba.
I’ve deleted enough tweets to know that I should never get a tattoo.
I’m not proud of the person I become when there’s a cheese tray at a party.
Me: I bought mini cinnamon rolls
Friend: how many?
Me: I don’t know how, but they’re tiny
My 3yo made up a song called My Mommy Makes Me Happy When She Gives Me Snacks then asked me for a snack. She’s really good at this.