You should never forget where you came from. That’s probably where your keys are.
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Mentally fistfighting everyone I pass on sidewalk (watched action movie earlier) my record is 33-10 but to be fair I walked by a school.
*”accidentally” drops my gym membership card from my wallet in front of a cute girl*
Me: Oh gee, I seem to have dr—
*300 fast-food coupons flutter to the ground following it*
peanut butter toast, simultaneously an underrated food and the majority of my genetic makeup
Me: How did Mrs. Incredible know to name her son Dash if she didnt know what his superpower was yet?
Cashier: so was that paper or plastic?
Me: You’re supposed to be in bed. 11-year-old: I tried. Me: You tried? 11: It didn’t stick.
Therapist: Maybe you could try to be a little less hostile.
Me: Maybe you could stick a butter knife in a light socket.
a moth just flew into my wine haha have fun driving home, you drunk piece of shit
went to this place once that claims it’s a brewery that doesn’t brew any of the beer it serves and the bartender was like “yep we are the first of our kind” & i didn’t have the heart to tell him that he opened up a bar, that’s a bar, bro
Dated a mime once – God was it good – he did sooooo many ~unspeakable things~to me ….
Who called it the U.S. Dairy Council and not the Butter Business Bureau?
My favorite game with the kids is one where I play dead until they go around to their dad’s side of the bed and wake him up.
Bought a pair of camo sweatpants but my kids can still see me when I wear them. This is bullshit
Yes, autocorrect, I wanted to ask if she was all tight. Thank you. Now I know.
That tattoo of wings on your back are good. But wings that small could hardly get you off the ground though. *reveals full body wing tattoo*
If I were to give myself the award for being the laziest person on Earth, I’ll do it tomorrow.
#LazyProcrastinator #procrastination
Based on the amount of animal hair, clinging to your t-shirt, I’m going to pass on your homemade cookies, thank you.
[boxing gym]
*points at everything*
I’d hit that.
I’m not asking for a lot, I just want someone down to earth that’s gonna touch me all over like my shower curtain does
I’m a 4 in America, but in Germany I’m a solid nein.
This is why I hate group projects
Got a phone call and the caller ID said NYC Human. That sure narrows down the list of who it can be doesn’t it?
does any one know where i could find some Unsolicited advice? preferably from people with weird personality disorders who dont know anything
I’m very sorry for your loss, but do you know if this funeral home has wi-fi?
My daughter has a pink camo shirt in case she needs to infiltrate barbie’s dream house I guess
Me at 16: No one can tell me what to do with my life.
Me at 36: Someone please tell me what to do with my life.
my biggest fear is a kiIler saying some funny shit whiIe im playing dead
I’M MAKING A SECOND POT OF COFFEE, IF ANYONE WANTS ME TO PAINT THEIR HOUSE.
[First date]
Me: So what do you do?
Him: I’m an astronomer.
Me: [trying to impress] *moons him*
[first day as a celebrity chef]
*Just a heartrending 40 minute montage of me struggling to get the potato masher out of the cutlery drawer*