Me: You a good personal trainer?
Him: You bet your emotionally distant dad I am.
Me: [through tears] Wow, that’s personal. You’re hired.
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Me *Happily comes home from the hairdresser with fresh highlights and cut.
Bf: So what did they do to it?
Now THIS is a Drinking Problem.
Me: I’m a little self conscious with the lights on. Mind turning them out?
Doctor: Just turn your head and cough.
to get your prison name, take your favorite weapon and then murder someone.
if i got $5 every time i thought of u i would start thinking of u
If you feel hopeless about the world and your place in it, I can recommend something. Turn off all electronic devices, close your eyes, and sit still for 5 minutes. It won’t help, but now you’re 5 minutes closer to being dead and not having to worry about it.
If anyone wants a tiger let me know. I bought one but he’s being a d-bag and won’t wear the matching sunglasses I bought us.
Confuse people by complimenting them, but with a tone that implies you’re really surprised
Oh, you carry a pack of cigarettes rolled up in your T-shirt sleeve..? That’s how I carry my mini babybel.
Imagine being in a band with Freddie Mercury and thinking “maybe I’ll sing this next one”
sure I’ll interpret that dream for you, it’s about hydration, they’re all about hydration. why else would you be driving a bus full of chickens.
Capt of Titanic: “Mayday! We are sinking”
Coastguard: “What happened?”
*Cthulhu makes throat-slit gesture with tentacle*
Capt: “Iceberg”
Good Cop: step away from the ledge
Cat Cop [pushes person off] oops
Hey Dad,
The airport called, if you don’t
turn down your TV, they’re filing
a complaint.
If I had to pick a favorite Rocky movie, it’d be Rocky IV. I’ve never seen it but I hear Creed dies in that one & I really hate their music.
CAR SALESMAN: How can I help you?
ME: I’m looking to immediately lose money on a terrible investment.
CAR SALESMAN: That’s my specialty.
Welcome to adulthood. The weekend is your only time to catch up on everything but also your only time to do absolutely nothing.
Once I read this story abt a meth addict, she’d vacuum her whole house daily, even the walls, and that alone was enough to keep me off meth.
They should make statues of regular people. Like you’re walking through the park and there’s a statue of your friend Jeff
Customer: I can’t see. How many sugar and fiber are in this bar?
Me: 7 sugar 5 fiber
C: That’s not very healthy… Just the smokes then.
TV INTERVIEWER: As if the wedding wasn’t surprising enough, you then eschew the tradition of one spouse taking the other’s name. Instead, you chose to combine your surnames. Any regrets?
BENEDICT AND ENGELBERT CUMBERBUMPERDINCK: Absolutely not
I remember one time I caught my ex talking to some dude in an indie band and was telling him she’s sad and she said something along the lines of “my boyfriend is a musician (me) and hasn’t once made a song about me or how he loves me” like bro I play the drums wtf lol
15 wants to change my oil as a Mother’s Day gift, it’s really sweet but I can’t afford a new car right now.
Me: *closes Bible, takes long, hard look at neighbor’s ox*
*Someone compliments me*
Me: *laughs* shut up! I am not, you lying piece of shit.
Alright, Mr. “In good times and in bad” I just painted my finger nails and I gotta pee. Let’s go.
I only need to lose 30 pounds by the end of the year to hit my resolution to lose 20 pounds
[roulette]
ME: [slaps table] 50 on red
CROUPIER: Sir that is 50 pictures of Celine Dion
ME: Yes and if I win [grabs him] you owe me 50 more
I really only wanna grow old so I can get the senior discount at thrift stores
I’m not embarrassed.
I order my gingerbread latte LIKE A GOD DAMN MAN.
(I send my wife into Starbucks while I sit shamefully in the car.)