Me: You can be anything you want when you grow up
Son: I want to be a dinosaur
Me: I meant like a job. Like you could be president.
Son: I want to be the first dinosaur president
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Just overheard my 2-year-old exclaim “YAY I DID IT” from the other room. What I learn next will either be exhilarating or horrifying.
Whenever I’m on a flight and a bald person sits next to me, it takes a ton of willpower not to draw on their head when they are sleep.
To the goth guy in my college dining hall who always ate waffles: I’m sorry I only knew you as “Waffle Goth.” You were surely more complex.
[on my deathbed]
me: make sure the kids remember their dear ol’ dad
wife: dave isn’t old
me: what
My kids played camping today and my job was to stay in the tent and sleep, I’ve never been so good at a game before
The ocean is full of sharks, jellyfish, man-eating octopus, and nightmare whales, but make sure you wait a half-hour after eating to go in.
[11 has been working on his homework for 1 hour]
11: Guess what, there are only 3 people in the U.S. with my exact name.
Me: What class is this for?
11: I haven’t started yet.
Me on Masterchef: Ive made a roasted pork kebab breaded with buttermilk cornbread and served with a tomato reduction
Them: This is a corndog
[job interview]
Last test: put ur hands on the desk & don’t move [plays ‘In The Air Tonight’]
[I begin violently shaking as drum solo nears]
Sure you may FEEL old, but did YOUR parents need a TV commercial to remind them you existed?
It’s not that I don’t like the roomba, its just that my expectations were set unreasonably high from watching the Jetsons.
Oh, you have dignity? Well I have nachos. I win.
Watching “Poltergeist” as a kid was scary af.
Adult me: Is all that covered under homeowners?
You can’t be the most good looking one at any wedding because you can’t compete with how great the food looks.
My youngest has confused “vegan” with “cannibal” and we just discovered this today.
A lot of conversations that we had this past week are making more sense now.
Also, her adamant refusal to eat a slice of vegan cake.
my kids don’t always go to the bathroom but when they do they need to use the same bathroom at the same time, all together
I’ve reached the age where haircuts would be cheaper if my hairdresser charged per strand.
You can’t rush stupid.
Sometimes I like to trick my dryer by selecting the Bedding setting when the load is really jeans and towels.
Great acting.. 😂
please send your thoughts and prayers to my 8 yo who has a loose tooth and he is now incapable of doing anything such as emptying the dishwasher or eating veggies because they’re too hard to chew.
doctor: are you sexually active?
me: buddy, i’m not even regularly active
If couples who are in love are called love birds, then really, couples who always fight should be called angry birds!
Me: it’s annoying sitting so close to the office copier
Dan from the next cubicle: it’s annoying sitting so close to the office copier
ME: I’m single and ready to Pringle.
CASHIER: I have never seen somebody buy that many tubes.
Me: I think I’ll leave my car windows cracked so it’s not so hot later
Pollen: lol, ok
My sisters made me watch their kids last night. At one point all six of them were crying, but I just kept rap battling them one by one.
“Hello from the outsiiiiide. I must have called a thousand tiiiiimes”
– me, drunk, leaving my wife another voicemail because I’m locked out
just because your parents planned you doesn’t mean you weren’t a mistake