Me: YOU CAN DO IT SON!
Son: Why are you being so encouraging? Are you drunk?
Me: Yep. So pass your driving test or we’re walking home.
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If you tell your girlfriend you think the girl at in the corner shop fancies you,
you’ll never have to pop out to get bread and milk again
I want to be in shape enough that I fit into my favorite jeans but not so much that people ask me to help them move
so no one told you life was gonna be this way
Some say cheetahs are the fastest animal at 60 mph. Not true. Dogs have been clocked at 18,000 mph when the Soviets launched one into space.
CW: The boss said she wanted to see you.
Me: That’s flattering, but I don’t date people from work.
Is the female equivalent of a douchebag a douchebaguette?
No I’ve never had a tumor removed, but I did uninstall facebook
That awkward moment when someone is cooking fish in the office and all the girls begin sniffing themselves.
LOIS LANE: here i got you these contacts so you don’t have to wear glasses anymore
CLARK KENT: *nervous sweating*
Them: Awwww, congrats! Are you about 6 months along?
Me: Nah, just ate a burrito supreme.
Them: I THINK IT’S TWINS!!!
My 12 year old’s response to solicitors calling her is to call them back and act like she’s trying to sell them whatever they were trying to sell to her
*pulls fire alarm in apt building*
*everyone runs outside*
[Me on megaphone]IVE GATHERED U HERE B/C SOME OF U STILL HAVE CHRISTMAS LIGHTS UP
wife: Did you work late?
[flashback to me missing my exit because the car in front of me had Shrek on and I wanted to see the ending]
me:Yep
I bought a ton of veggies from the farmer’s market and straightaway made some instant noodles cause life is all about balance.
*Pops up out of your shower drain.
You really should look into a home security system. Let me tell you why ADT is right for you.
The twin sisters that live next door to me, shower is broke so they’re using mine. So, you know what that means…
More hair in my drain.
I’m supposed to be Gen-X but I feel like Gen-FML is more fitting.
When people try to debate me online I’m just going to suggest they read a book I make up and that doesn’t exist
Her: There’s a spider on the bathroom floor!
Me: See that thing at the bottom of your leg? That’s a foot. Make it land on the spider.
Me: And I was just trapped in my bed, crying for hours
Cop: I’m not surprised with a murderer in your house
Me: There was a murderer in my house?
Her: I want to have your babies.
Me: You’ll have to wait until they get off from school.
Priest: You may now kiss the bride.
Me: Do I have to?
And after all these years, she *still* won’t admit how funny that was.
Do one person every day that scares you.
I accidentally come home with a brand new car one time after taking our old one in for an oil change and all of the sudden I’m not allowed to make decisions anymore.
A laugh track, but for every time my boss says “I need this done today.”
In the future I will replace my feet with chainsaws after accidentally cutting them off with my chainsaw hands.
SITCOM IDEA: Career criminal who keeps getting arrested because he hires an official photographer to take pictures of him doing his crimes.
Just found all my fan letters to Wolverine my wife “promised” she mailed stuffed behind the couch. I’m livid.
I have a Brown Paper Belt in Origami
That dentist from that parking lot flyer says gnawing down trees is just as good as brushing and flossing. I’m referring all my coworkers.