Me: You can’t arrest me. I have to run a marathon today.
Cop: Stop playing the race card.
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You’d think I was wanted for murder the way I react when someone knocks on my door..
Before I die I want to be chased through the back of a Chinese restaurant.
23rd Century Scientist: We’re sending you to 1889 to kill baby Hitler. Four words: Stick. To. The. Mission.
Henry Ford: Yes, sir.
Taxi driver: Where to?
Me: Inbetween one and three.
Taxi driver: Get out.
*hires skywriter*
YOU CAN’T BLOCK ME
ICEBERG: heard about ernie?
ICEBERG 2: yep…clobbered by a cruise ship
ICEBERG: gotta be careful—damn things are 86% hidden above the surface
[scrabble]
god: 43 points
angel: squid? wtf is squid?
god: it’s an animal
angel: you can’t just make up animals
god: [jim-faces into camera]
2020: Tidepods ‘the sequel’
“You are what you eat”?
I don’t remember eating a giant disappointment.
‘Chicks dig scars’ I quietly sob after nicking my thumb on a cat food lid
There’s a police officer trying to get me to roll down my window.
I’m calling the cops.
Not to brag, but I can spend hours coming up with reasons not to do something that takes 5 minutes.
Alligators can survive for 2-3 years without eating. My personal record is 16 minutes.
I like that the doctor always asks if I’m a smoker. When I say yes, he tells me I should quit.
No shit? Thanks. Here’s all my money.
The packing insert from our robot vacuum looks like it should be guarding a temple somewhere.
[pulls out acoustic guitar at a funeral]
alright everyone stop being all [finger quotes] sad this next 1 is dedicated to a very sexy widow.
They say children are a gift from god. I’m totally wide-open to regifting.
I called my 2yo handsome today and he proceeded to stare at his hands for the next 5 minutes.
My goal weight is:
2020 never happened.
I like going to the cemetery early in the morning because, if you’re calm and patient, the skeletons will approach and even eat right out of your hand.
Inkling sounds like a baby octopus
[date gets back from the bathroom]
those batman toys in the tub are so cute! How old are your kids?
“kids?”
women who kind of look like Kate Middleton with the right pair of sunglasses on have the opportunity to do the funniest thing possible
*staring directly into the sun* is this meditation am I meditating
Arm falls off
Wife: You don’t drink enough water.
Dear commercial,
If my family follows your advice and gives me Fitbit or exercise gear for Mother’s Day, prepare yourself for a lawsuit.
Hormonal teenage daughter: Where do you want to be buried?
Me: You mean after I die, right?
Who called it Osteoporosis and not Epic Frail?
Friend: I’m surprised to see you eating a salad.
Me: *empties bag of chocolate chips over it*
me: i’d love* to go to your neighborhood block** party, Carol, sign me up***
*hate
**gossip
***i’d rather eat worms