Me: You can’t honestly expect me to believe this house isn’t haunted; I can see the ghost walls from here.
Realtor: Those are windows.
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Make your day better by imagining people you don’t like floating helplessly into the sun.
70’s horror movies gave me a healthy respect for the power held by chainsaws and deserted farmhouses
Ah yes let me just fashion a mask out of a bandana. First I’ll head over to the bandana drawer in my dresser, where I keep my myriad bandanas.
There’s no subtle way of starting a game of dodgeball at a yoga class.
I’ve just renamed my WiFi network to “Police Surveillance Van #02”.
That should keep my pikey neighbours on their toes for a while.
Seriously, soup?
If I wanted to drink my lunch I would go to a bar.
imagine being the mom in Gremlins you just wanted to have a nice family christmas and your husband brings home a new pet then it starts multiplying and evolving into little demon lizard things and you have to put one in your new blender and you’re like why is this my life now
Movie Trivia: Cloverfield was just Khloe Kardashian on a shopping trip in New York
priest: “does anyone here know why these two should not be wed?”
me: “SHE LEAVES THE VOLUME ON ODD NUMBERS”
priest: [slowly closes bible]
Hotdogs contain nitrates that literally shave time off your life. Do you need any more proof that they are the ideal food
Who called it “falling in love” and not “assisted suicide”?
Terrifying if literal: Liquid Plumber
my retirement plan is recording a hit Christmas song, i just need to learn how to sing and write music
Whenever I’m alone, I like to dig a hole in my backyard, remove all my clothes, go inside that hole and pretend that I’m a carrot.
(A world where everyone is named Bethany)
Bethany: what should we name our child?
Bethany: Bethany
This lady in Walgreens is staring at me like she’s never seen anyone put on deodorant and then put it back on the shelf.
me: what’s the fish that kills you if it’s prepared wrong
waiter: fugu, but tonight’s chef is very good
me: ok then *closes menu* I’ll come back tomorrow
I’ll probably stop watching “The Crown,” now that I know how it ends.
Please don’t distract me, I’ve been asked to guard my daughter’s shell collection while she’s in the water.
Twitter should offer Shkreli his account back for $10,000 and if he agrees say sorry and suddenly raise the price 5600%
Interviewer: Your resumé says your strength is confidence but your weakness is languages
Me: I think you’ll find it’s pronounced resume
Son: am I adopted?
Me: not yet, but we’re hopeful.
Someone just got sent home for having a meltdown. I’ve never been so jealous of a coworker in my life.
Baby: *sleeps longer than expected*
Me: *checks if baby is alive*Kid: *makes loud thud from other room*
Me: *checks if kid is alive*Teen: *hasn’t sighed in an hour*
Me: *checks if teen is alive*
Reality show idea: “So You Think You Can Touch Mike Tyson’s Nose.” Hidden camera. Tyson isn’t in on it.
ME: Hey Alexa, is bread a type of cheese?
Hitman that’s been hiding in my closet: [leaving my house] Ok you have your own thing going on.
I wish I was as consistent as the poppy seed that finds the space between my two front teeth
DOC: We got your blood tests back
ME: Is it small pox like I thought?
DOC: No, it’s even worse
ME: What could be worse than small pox?
DOC: Big pox
ME: Oh right. It seems obvious now that I think about it
I went for a job as a stunt double, I stubbed my toe on my way out the door. As soon as I stopped crying, I went to the interview. Bravery.
The guy at DQ gave me an extra chicken strip so I guess it will be a June wedding