ME: You could cut the tension with a knife
CABLE CAR OPERATOR: Please don’t
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Stopped visiting friends because they have a child gate on the way to the upstairs bathroom I can’t figure out.
Women always find me interesting and mysterious on the first date.
I knew that the fog machine under the table was a good idea!
Took the road less travelled after buying the sat nav less expensive
Welcome to parenthood: where the laundry basket is always full and the threats are always empty.
You’re playing checkers and I’m over here playing with this horsey
lifehack: you don’t have to be a cicada to burrow underground and then emerge and start yelling
My 2yo definitely has a future in the restaurant industry, she always waits until I’ve got a mouthful of food, then asks me a question!
Dear lady arguing w/ the clerk over whether or not it is “good” champagne: YOU ARE IN A GAS STATION!
RHCP: Red Hot Chili Peppers
my brain: Real Housewives of Chili Peppers
Me: You’re telling me someone broke into the house and the only thing that was stolen was the ice cream?
Husband: (without breaking eye contact) Yes.
We should be able to pick our zodiac sign, like choosing your piece in Monopoly: “Nope I’m not playing today unless I can be the crab or the lion”
dora: jeez we’re really lost
boots: dora i’m freezing
backpack: we need a fire
the map: what should we use to start it?
dora:
boots:
backpack:
the map: oh no
dora: *holding a lighter* this IS all your fault
Every time I attend a wedding I try to get the DJ to play “The Monster Mash.” One time I took the bride’s phone and texted the DJ with it. Another time I claimed I was the bride’s brother and that it was a really important in-joke between the couple. I’m batting .700
Who knew a midlife crisis could have so few convertibles and so many cats?
Her:”my blinkers don’t work I think I’m out of blinker fluid”
Me:”your car doesn’t have blinker fluid.”
Her:”I JUST SAID THAT PAY ATTENTION”
I’m not really thought of as an outdoorsy guy but the truth is I have been outdoors many times and really liked it
Stop earbuds from tangling by putting them on then carefully stapling them to your body.
Who’s ready for music?
Not you.
You have tetanus
“No man is an island.”
– someone with a basic grasp of land forms and human biology
rhino: how did you go extinct?
dinosaur: giant meteor from space, you?
rhino: hunted by cruel man, how about you big guy
panda: just couldn’t be bothered to have sex to be honest, just fell over a lot, rolled about
my fav brides on Say Yes To The Dress are the ones who come in wanting a specific dress but don’t call ahead to see if it’s in stock and are like sooo shocked it’s not there. Baby!!! it’s your wedding dress!!! I’ve called bakeries to make sure they have a cinnamon roll in stock
Sure, I’ll load the dishwasher honey. What kind of ammunition does it use?
People who wonder if the glass is half empty or half full miss the point.
The glass is refillable!That 👊
[Interview]
“Why’d you leave ur last job?”
My boss felt threatened by me
[Flashback to juggling lighters after dousing boss in gasoline]
Not to brag, but having travelled extensively through India I could teach you all you need to know about living without toilet paper.
~ me, flirting.
The winners of the javelin at the Olympics shouldn’t get a medal. They should get a throwphy.
And send
I get more sympathy when I say that I don’t have a Costco near me than when I say someone died
13yo Jesus: You’re not my real dad! I HATE YOU!
Joseph: One of these days boy, I’ll— [distant thunder] I’ll do nothing. Absolutely nothing.
When I saw Oprah interview Michelle Obama, Oprah asked how Michelle got over feeling intimidated sitting at big tables filled with smart, powerful men and Michelle said, “You realize pretty quickly that a lot of them aren’t that smart.” I think about that quote every single day.
[Our sex tape gets leaked]
Wife: Now do you believe me that you snore?
I wouldn’t mind razor blades in my Halloween candy this year, they’re getting really expensive.