Me: “You didn’t tell me that.”
Them: “Yes I did, four times while you were staring at your phone.”
Me (looks up): “I’m sorry, what?”
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Accidentally bought something by clicking “OK” 6 times then “place order”
My youngest is being tested for the gifted program at his elementary school and my other son thinks his toothbrush is haunted.
I asked my boyfriend what he wanted for his birthday and he said 20 dollars
*Closes refrigerator door and hears contents inside fall*
Well… sounds like a problem for the next person.
When meeting someone new, there should be a grace period after which they tell us their names again
ME RETWEETING: l must cultivate only the most hilarious and inspiring jokes for my followers in these challenging times.
ME TWEETING: A chupacabra that played basketball would be a hoopacabra.
Cashier: you’re 8 cents short
Me: it’s only 8 cents can you just let it slide
Cashier: no
Me: *slides cashier 20 dollars* what about now
The only way anyone should die is “mysteriously.” It just makes for better stories. “He lived a long, full life and died peacefully in his sleep.” Lame. Boring. A waste. “He lived a long, full life and disappeared in Panama, leaving enigmatic clues.” Excellent. Superb. No notes.
I’m won’t try to steal your man but I might try to steal your sandwich
SHE has the mouth of a sailor…
…that recently retired & started a new career as a trucker.
HI?
“The test results came back positive. You have only able to speak in state abbreviations disease”
ME?
“yes”
OH
“sorry it’s permanent”
OK
I’m the master at playing ‘The floor is lava’
*Lies on the couch*
“Are you sure?”
“I’m sure.”
“You’ve tried all of them on?”
“This one.”
“You think only God can judge you?”
*Judge Judy spins around in chair to face you*
“Well THINK AGAIN!”
*bangs gavel so hard it breaks*
GIVE ME FUEL GIVE ME FIRE GIVE ME MILK THAT’S NOT EXPIRED
The ones you keep closest to your heart hurt you the most.
Like the underwire in my bra that tried to stab me.
Me: Ugh! I never know what to say in these situations…
Friend: You say ‘good morning’ back
I’m quiet and hate confrontation with neighbors, so I renamed our wifi “Some Of Us Think Your Rooster Should Be Kept Inside On Weekend Mornings.”
Early this morning a bird was chirping loudly at the same time that my husband was snoring and it was really sort of beautiful how they were pissing me off in harmony.
Tomorrow is my company’s office holiday potluck. I really hope they like the french fries I found between my car seat
I would be a bad fish.
Fishermen would be like, “omg i’m so ugly” and I’d take the bait and disagree, instead of swimming away.
“What did you make milk out of today?” [Overheard in the library]
My teenage son Filbert was ejected from the Young Republicans for naming his pet lizard Bernie Salamanders. You bet your buns he’s grounded.
Teens be like, “I wanted to do that until you asked me to”.
I want to run my fingers through your spaghetti.
Hair. I mean hair. Sorry, I’m starving.
What’s the downside of being rude to your executioner?
[after solid first date]
Ok play it cool, don’t wanna seem too eager..*texts her 47 years later*
“Had a great time the other night :)”
Can you believe some cultures still communicate with clicky noises or primitive hieroglyphs?
*clicks keyboard furiously*
*adds 17 emojis*
is frankincense just very honest incense?