ME: you don’t look anything like your profile photo
TINDER DATE: LOL no, that’s my pug, Arthur
*silence for 10mins*
ME: is Arthur coming or
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Son, no longer do rituals and conquests mark the passage into manhood. Thru the ages boys would face bears, tigers with a chiseled stone knife. As you are only five, we shall start slow.
*I fill his pockets with sunflower seeds and prod him towards the mass of park squirrels*
Mom I get nervous on dates & always sweat.
“Wear something that doesn’t show stains”
[5 hours later] How was your date?
She hated my poncho.
Unicorns: *just jabbing holes in everything*
Noah: nope.
Soldier Dying on Omaha Beach.
“dont forget to tell my wife i love her…
and…and…honor me every year with a
…..mattress sale.”
It’s like my dad always used to say, “Don’t go around acting like the Village idiot.”
Shaggy: look out, it’s a gh-gh-gh-ghost!
Fred: there’s no such thing as ghosts
Scrappy Doo, a literal talking dog: yea shaggy
Mom, I have a runny nose I don’t need a rectal thermometer.
Plus, I’m 35
shoutout to whoever hacked my doordash account and sent $140 worth of wingstop to my address instead of theirs
Starting to miss the kids after 5 days at grandma’s, so I wistfully dumped a bin of toys on the floor and sprinkled crumbs on the couch.
My girlfriend once made me change because I was wearing green pants with a blue shirt. “You look like the earth,” she said.
Ordered ribs so I’d have to put my phone down. Discovered new talent. Pinky scroll
The older you get the only functions you attend are bodily..
*starts slow clap*
*Clap. Clap. Clap. Clap*
“Sir, your pizza will be ready in 15 minutes!”
*slow claps for 15 minutes*
Me as student: how can I make my essay 400 word essay longer to fit this 500 word limit
Me as professor: if I cut 5,099 words, I will almost be at the 12,000 word limit
[Confessional Booth]
Me: My favorite sins are sins of the flesh.
Priest: FAVORITE SINS?!
Me: Why are you yelling? And gluttony, gluttony is a close 2nd.
The receptionist at the doc’s office today kept pulling her mask down to talk to me and I-
What’s your dream job? Mine’s either falling out of airplanes or giving presentations in my underwear.
I will never fall in love with any twitter girl here as I am scared that one of these unknown accounts may be a sting run by my wife.
Obama: Wave at the people, Joe.
Biden: IMMA POINT AT’EM
Obama: Please just wave.
Biden:
When do kids stop eating things they find on the floor? According to my husband it’s not 38.
If I had a bitcoin for every time someone tried to explain bitcoins to me I’d have a lot of bitcoins, and no idea what to do with them.
Wearing the same outfit two days in a row ’cause I’m practicing to be a cartoon
Just saw my kid throw the handsoap away with some left in the bottom because the straw didn’t reach the soap anymore. Um, you add water to that shit and keep going. This ain’t the Ritz.
If you’re happy and you know it…
Watch the news.
My milkshake brings all the boys to the yard and they’re like, “ma’am, it’s 100 degrees out here, and you don’t have a proper refrigeration system in place, so we’re gonna have to shut you down”
Brains are sexy
Wish everyone had one
Vegetables: “We need to be stored in special conditions with ideal humidity and temperature.”
Potatoes:
If you cry every day in your relationship.. sit down, take a deep breath & ask yourself, “Am I dating a Human or an Onion?”
Elderly waiter: Would you like a doggy bag?
5yo: Why is he trying to give you poop?
The older I get, the less ‘life in prison’ becomes a deterrent.