Me: you feel like doing something?
Her: sure, I have a few hours to kill
Me: maybe after the killing then
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I’m too young to always make noises when I bend down to pick something up off the ground
Goodnight stars. Goodnight air. Goodnight 30-50 feral hogs everywhere
What’s the new etiquette rule: am I supposed to wait until everyone is done photographing their meals before I start eating mine?
People in glass houses can throw whatever they want. They live in a glass house, I’m not expecting them to be practical
[Checking in at Comic Con]
Attendant: How long did you spend on your cosplay?
Me: Seven months
A: *Hands me a badge marked “Casual”*
If you have joint pain..
You’re probably holding it by the wrong end.
ME: welcome to my man cave.
PROCTOLOGIST: please stop calling it that.
cat guru: ask yourself – what is the sound of a hairless cat coughing up a hairball
I see my dentist every six months to make sure my records are up to date for body identification.
Thinking of opening a new deli in India but I have no idea what to call it.
therapist: you need to enjoy the little things
me: like ants
therapist: not exactly
me: [nodding] baby ants
Ruin a Tolstoy novel by changing 587287 words
[boardroom]
“Now hear me out. They’re Teenage..”
Ok
“Mutant..”
I like where this is going
“Ninja..”
Noun me, Graham!
“Turtles”
You’re fired
[eats all your cotton candy]
How can a middle aged unemployed rat with 4 teenage turtles afford so much pizza?
Before my daughter went to college I made her watch her birthing video, just to remind her how badly one fun night at a keg party can end.
Me: I’ll take a vodka straight up please.
Starbucks barista: Ma’am, this is Starbucks.
Me: Ok one venti iced vodka.
Honestly I wouldn’t want to be left alone with anyone who knew even a single way to skin a cat
BUFFALO: I was only a kid. I showed Dad my report card. He smiled, hugged me and said ‘good bison’. I never saw him agai…oh, ok I see now
Old Spice 14-in-1 body wash, shampoo, conditioner, face wash, moisturizer, toothpaste, super glue, mouth wash, shaving cream, caulk, aftershave, lube, energy drink, cream cheese
My friend posted on Facebook that he’s hosting an improv show and every single person reacted with the “care” emoji.
After twenty years, I finally paid off my loan. Please be happy for me.
Friend angrily rolling eyes: I only lent you twenty dollars
While doing her history homework, my daughter asked me what I knew about Galileo.
I said, he’s just a poor boy from a poor family.
I knew a guy used to trophy hunt corn. Had a necklace of ears.
Me: I’d like a neck tattoo
Tattoo artist: okay, of what?
Me: I just told you
Tattoo artist:
Me: on my forearm
The guy who named peacocks was never allowed to name anything again
Me: Congrats! I heard you got married again
Her: Sorry I didn’t invite you. It was a small ceremony
Me: Its ok. I’ll go to your next one
My one egret is eating at the aviary. My food had a heron it.
First rule of Crocs club is no women allowed.
Women: You didn’t need that rule.