Got kicked out of the grocery store. Apparently yelling “LET THE BEETS DROP!” And throwing them at the ground is not acceptable.
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Married life is waking up early to preheat your wife’s car. Then taking $10 out her purse as a tip for your services.
sometimes i don’t spot my typos until it’s toilet
[reincarnated as a giant squid at the bottom of the ocean] i did something right
If you hate someone on your Christmas list, buy them parakeets.
<door bell>
Zombie wife: Is that Bob?
Zombie husband: *looks thru peep hole* Not sure, but he’s a dead ringer.
It’ll make a big mess and practically break their teeth but they’ll keep eating it anyway
-inventor of the Biscotti
yeah i’m a bit of a rebel
Just saw a bundt so big and beautiful I changed my sexual orientation to cake.
I just poured a bowl of cereal and we’re out of milk. Cooking is hard.
Fun fact: if you play Hotel California backwards, and slowed down 30bpm, there’s a fantastic hidden quiche recipe
Imagine being at your therapist’s office and your card declines so your therapist spends the next hour roasting you to undo all of the progress you gained through therapy
I sleep with a knife under my pillow in case someone breaks in and needs to filet a fish
How come when someone says “we need to talk” it’s never about ice cream or Star Wars?
I don’t personally believe in hell but I need other people to so I can tell them to go there
A cop just pulled me over — asking if I knew my tail light was out? I said, ‘Uh uh. I drive on the inside of my car’
Sad how some stick figures get stuck working the hangman game, while others get to have nice families on the back of SUVs
Dr: do you know why you gained weight?
*Flashbacks to eating fries in the car sobbing and blasting Adele*
Me: no, better run some tests
Daylight Saving Time is a scam. It was originally pushed through Congress by Big Candle.
My favorite things about Texas are definitely our toast and our chainsaw massacres.
Why do people have guest books at their houses? Your game night is not a destination, Brenda.
“No son of mine is going to spend his entire day playing video games!” I tell everyone on various social media sites.
normal people kissing:
•sensual
•butterflies in ur stomach
•ur the only two people in the worldpeople with glasses kissing:
•clink
•clank
•ok lets take them off
•wait where’d u go
•u feel cold
•oh that’s a lamp
Don’t call me “Dad”, please call me by my professional title, “Half-Eaten Food Connoisseur Broken Toy Engineer Butt-Wipeologist”.
I can’t believe that as a kid, I was excited about being an adult. Kids are stupid.
WIFE: you didn’t use my shampoo again did you?
ME: *shakes my head no but my lustrous hair gives me away*
Let’s go to church and wink at each other whenever one of our sins gets mentioned.
Me: get out, it’s my turn in the hedge now you’ve been hogging it way too long
Hedgehog: no
Chemistry teacher: Did you know that protons have mass?
Me: I didn’t ever know they were catholic
Teacher: 😐😐😐
Lmao