I’m not stalking you. I’m trying to help you find that sock that you dropped behind the door before you left for work Wednesday at 7:04.
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If Reincarnation ends up being real…
Those People who got “YOLO” tattoos are going to look… Pretty Silly
People: My cell phone isn’t working today
Cell phone carrier: The sun spit on us.
People: Doesn’t it do that all the time though?
Cell phone carrier: Big spit. Huge.
Me, responding to a text at 2 am: Oh they should be asleep so I’ll be free from talking until the morning
Them: *texts back in 30 seconds*
Me: I hate you
@funTweeters Thanks for publishing my tweets.
Blues songs are about being sad, which is why so many of them begin with “I woke up this morning.”
Dr: I’m afraid you’ve got airportitis
Patient: airportitis? I’ve never heard of it. Is it… serious?
Dr: it’s terminal
P:
Dr:
P:
Dr: nah, you’ve just got a cold
P: you’re an awful human being
Me: Ok, who got Oreo filling on the couch?
Husband:
4:
7:
Me: Well…
7: It really could have been any of us.
4: (licks couch)
“Let’s take a couple dozen over-stimulated children and give them enough sugar to kill an elephant.” – inventor of the birthday party
If you ever get attacked by a shark, just be a good sport about it and let it eat you. Hey, look on the bright side: It’s a rare occurrence, so you’re special.
APPLE GENIUS: how did u get so much water on the laptop
[flashback to me taking my laptop into the shower so i could tweet]
ME: hurricane
Me: [covered in chocolate, miniaturized, turning into a blueberry, stumbling out of an incinerator, and floating away] I’ll take the job
Willy Wonka:
I’ve learned something today – “dibs” is not the appropriate response when your best friend announces their divorce.
[first day as tour guide in the catacombs] okay so all these bones came from one guy.
Eating a slice of pizza is hard when you’re going through the car wash, without a car.
*stepping on the moon’s surface wearing socks* Oh god dammit
If you want to know who serves the best fries ask your vegetarian friend bc that’s all we order at 50% of all restaurants
incredible text to wake up to
I’m in the other room and I hear my 3yo shout, “In your face, poop”. Then the toilet flushes. I would give anything to get that excited about pooping again.
National Ex Spouse Day fell in the middle of Serial Killer Week, coincidence?
It’s comical when I lean back in my chair only to realize it’s a stool.
3rd eye: youre on drugs
4th eye: youre a nerd
5th-7th eyes: ???
8th eye: you are now a spider
9th eye: spider on drugs
16th eye: nerd spider
[I go to Hell and everything appears to be virtually identical to Earth]
“Well this isn’t so bad”, I say
[I immediately notice that my voice sounds exactly like I do on a tape recorder]
My son just threatened to not talk to me for the rest of the day.
I’m 3% offended and 97% hoping he follows through.
If the grocery store didn’t want me to climb shelves then they wouldn’t put things so up so high.
I don’t care if you’re black or white… old or young… rich or poor… male or female… there comes a moment in everyone’s life when you raise your glass and realize… the damn coaster is still stuck to it…
It doesn’t matter if you’re filming a segment for TV or not, if you’re hanging out with Tom Cruise, at some point you’re jumping out of a plane
I hate when fire trucks drive real slow with the siren on. There’s one behind me right now. So annoying.
her: and what do you do?
me: I’m a mail escort
postal worker: I won’t tell you again, I don’t need you following me everywhere!
Kid, if you don’t know whether your Batman costume is pre or post reboot continuity, you don’t deserve candy. Also, Batman doesn’t cry.
*before marriage
her: watcha thinking?*after marriage
her: wHaT wErE YoU ThInKInG?!