Me: You gotta get dressed, kiddo, we’re leaving soon.
7yo:
Me: Get dressed, please.
7yo:
Me: Please get dressed.
7yo:
Me: Hurry up and get dressed.
7yo:
Me: Put your clothes on.
7yo:
Me: We have to leave in 3 minutes!
7yo:
Me: GET DRESSED RIGHT NOW!!!!!
7yo: Ok! Don’t yell at me!
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I hate when sales people say stupid things like “Please stop undressing the mannequins, and your credit card has been declined again.”
*reading news story about how great some guy is* wow this guy sounds great *reading further* oh no, he’s a bomber and he’s dead
Noted.
I did laundry for 7 miles according to my Fitbit that I accidentally washed and dried.
work smarter, not harder
Me: I’ll get a cappuccino and a furtado
Barista: What’s a furtado?
Me: It’s like a bird
[IKEA-themed restaurant]
Maitre-d: is your table ready yet?
FRIEND: Make her the center of attention
ME: Okay
[later at restaurant]
ME: *throws food at next table*
ME: *pointing at date* SHE DID IT
My diet this week consisted of 6 cheat days
At Olive Garden my 9 year old told the server, “Compliments to the chef!” Then he leaned too far and fell backward out of his chair.
I wish had the patience of a former coworker who would peel her strawberries
As a scarecrow, people say I’m outstanding in my field. But hay, it’s in my jeans.
I’m sorry I punched you when you said “Facebook me”.
I thought you said “Face punch me”.
The human body is 98% water.
So I’m not fat,
Just well hydrated.
[Pollock family game night]
Jackson: K who’s gonna be my partner for Pictionary —
Mom: Not it
Dad: Not it
Sis: Not it
Gramma: DAMN IT
Them: Can I ask you a personal question?
Me: *bursts into flames*
End a boring conversation by opening an umbrella in their face
Me: I want to take you home and drink you up baby
Case of beer: I have a boyfriend
kids play hide and seek like
This strange woman won’t stop talking to me so I’m going to stare at her eyebrows until she gets paranoid and leaves me alone.
Flex on the Average Person by eating 9 Spiders a Year
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a wood chipper, rented under a fake name
If it sounds better in your head, leave it there.
Holy Communion:
PRIEST:”This is the body of Christ. Take it ”
ME:”Uum,can I instagram it first?”
*We laughed & then I was excommunicated*
I’m so poor I can’t even pay for my own consequences.
What idiot called it the bicycle repair shop and not
Careful guys it’s raining cats and dogs outside and the ones that aren’t dying on impact are super pissed
The best thing about eating healthy food is all the incredible food you eat an hour later because you’re so hungry…
Ha.
First date
Him: What do you do?
Me [pulls out a Victoria’s Secret catalog that I’ve clearly glued photos of my face into]
“I’m a model.”