Me: You know, one nice thing about being snowed in all weekend is we haven’t had to spend any money.
Wife: (clicking add to cart) So nice.
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I hop in a tanning bed during storms in the hopes of being struck by lightning & turned into a lame, but beautifully bronzed, superhero.
If Twitter has taught me anything it’s that I’m glad I am not a therapist
Everyone is gangster until they’re asked to reveal a “fun fact” about themself as part of a work event icebreaker.
Teach a man to shake and he will be able to greet everyone. Give a man a shake and all the boys will come to his yard
*puts crime-scene photos in a rocket*
Ok stand back
“Detective, what are u doing?”
What does it look like, I’m launching this investigation
I like telling car salesmen “Listen, we both know I’m not here to buy a car” and trying to figure out what it is they think I’m there to do
Always use your best photos for your profile on FB.
Cause those are the photos the media will use if something horrible happens to you.
If someone says, “I hate to ask you this, BUT…” you should have 4 designated friends who will jump on you & carry you out of the building like secret service agents.
Dog; Why do you put my treats so high up?
Me: Because if I didn’t, you’d be able to get them
Dog: Hey, I’m just trying to save you the hassle. Excuse me for caring.
I tried playing dead to see how my 6 yr old would react… turns out if i die he’ll poke me and go down stairs and eat chips…
I was in the grocery store when Vogue came on, and while nobody could keep up with my choreography, security did let me finish the routine.
[To Police Sketch Artist]
Me: “Black female…
5’3ish…
Brunette…
Curvy but not fat. Athletic, I guess…
Good sense of humor…
No kids — no divorcees either. Umm.. Must like dogs?…”Sketch Artist:…
Me: “Why have you stopped drawing?”
“Those ducking cops will never catch me!”
– dialogue from the action-adventure video game Grand Theft Autocorrect
I expect 8 to defy me, but my wife telling him to “SWEEP THE LEG!” is uncalled for.
Walking my dog in his Halloween outfit and a woman walking the other way asked, “Is that a costume?”
I guess I never realized how realistic his shark costume is.
Goldfish: did you remember to take out the garbage?
Elephant: [rolls eyes]
Goldfish: did you remember to take out the garbage?
“You did it!”
“You did it!”
“You did it!”
-dog watching me fail to solve a rubiks cube
So the neighbor just came by & my daughter asked if she liked the cookies. My neighbor said, “I sure did! I ate them for breakfast.” My daughter slowly turned her head & looked back at me in disbelief, realizing for the first time that adults can eat whatever the f*** they want.
Please, please, please… invite me to your party. I promise I won’t show up.
Always a housemaid, never a house.
Money was so tight last Xmas I had to sell a kidney for gifts. And this year it’s getting so bad, I may even have to sell one of my own.
What’s it called when you’re a perfectionist but also extremely bad at everything?
I used to mix metaphors but that ship has flown.
In 8th grade, I had a crush on boy in my class. At some point, I found out my family was moving & I was going to switch schools. So, I wrote him a very long love letter. The day after I read it to him in front of my class, my parents decided I could keep going to the same school.
Hear no evil, see no evil, speak no evil.
I can accomplish this if I avoid my mother.
Hot mothers in your area want you to text them to let them know you got home ok.
I have achieved immortality.
I found a mysterious lamp and sure enough there was a genie inside.I wished that I won’t die a virgin.
I was uninvited to “drop it” because we couldn’t hear Yoncé over my Rice Krispie knees.
I only have eyes for you. I got them from the morgue. I’ll probably get arrested.
Oh you “like women?” Cool, name three of their early works.