Me: You know, one nice thing about being snowed in all weekend is we haven’t had to spend any money.
Wife: (clicking add to cart) So nice.
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Are we there yet?…
ME: I’m not the same person I was yesterday. What you’re looking at is a different me.
Passport agent:
I told my 2-year-old to find her shoes
She cupped her hands & yelled “Shoes, where are you?”
I’d help her, but I want to see if this works
It’s perfectly acceptable to hate someone who brags about how much sleep they get
Yes. You rt’d me 14 times in a row. Thanks.
You are first in line for my liver when the time comes.
I could tell you the story of breaking my arm sledding but be warned, it goes downhill fast.
I really like the word aesthetic, it’s so pleasant on the eye. I wonder if there’s a word to describe that.
There’s an old man sittin’ next to me
Makin’ love to his napkin and knife
And he’s talkin’ with Davy who’s covered in gravy
And probably will be for lifeSo anyway that’s why you failed your health inspection. You can read the rest in the report.
When older people say, “Enjoy them while they are young.”
They are talking about your knees and hips not your kids.
I was going to pay my mortgage this month, but I was asked to bring guacamole to the family potluck.
I don’t sit crossed legged to be classy, I’m holding my tampon in
James is coming over.
“James from work or James who thinks he’s a leprechaun?”J: TOP O’ THE MORNIN’ TO YA!
“I’ll hide the Lucky Charms.”
Kid: Mommy, can we get a pineapple?
Mom: No, sweetie. I don’t know how to cut them.
Kid: I know Mommy! You use a knife.
The older I get the more I walk like Charlie Chaplin
Turn on noise canceling on your AirPods if you want to experience what it’s like to think a killer has broken into your home anytime anyone in your family approaches you from behind.
I always sleep naked. I don’t care if it makes people uncomfortable, they can just switch buses.
Wife: I’m growing some vegetables.
Me: What if the pig eats them?
Wife: Then I’m growing porkchops.
Ever since I learned the show is called Suits because of lawsuits and not because they wear suits, I have harbored a hot white rage within me beyond anything mankind has ever known.
[reading of my fathers will]
Lawyer: and I bequeath to my son $100k as-
Me: heh, bequeath
Lawyer: long as that immature vomit fondler doesn’t laugh at the word ‘bequeath’
Me: he didn’t even have $100k, did he?
Lawyer: no, he just knew
Not to brag, but I can cure my wife’s insomnia just by taking my clothes off.
My 9yo just made a “protein shake” out of milk, cookies and ice cream.
I’m making him my new nutritionist.
An extra mozzarella stick could be the difference in a 3 star or a 5 star experience.
*me overestimating my server’s position on reviews
Indiana Jones & the hopscotch of doom.
Her: I dreamt I was being murdered.
Me: Was I the one who was murdering you?
Her: No.
Me: (Sigh) Well, was I helping in any way at all?
I imagine when you get to heaven they give you a box with all the sodas and snacks that vending machines cheated you out of your whole life.
Own two different pasta machines.
still make cup noodles with the Keurig.
If I ever go missing and theres a big search party out looking for me, you can save time by not looking at any gyms.
She said: “I want to have your children.”
.
Me: “They’ll be on the first bus in the morning.”
My boyfriend thinks it’s cute when I use the clap emoji but I’ve just been trying to tell him that I have an STD.
*Takes one earbud out*
*Hears kids fighting*
*Puts earbud back in*