Why don’t people ever put the big lights on in horror films?
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My grandpa didn’t leave me a gold watch or a large insurance policy, he left me something much more valuable which he wore proudly, his super expandable waist Thanksgiving eating pants.
How can a cemetery raise its burial charges and blame it on the cost of living?
WIFE: how’s dinner
ME: these mashed potatoes are dank
WIFE: is that bad or good
ME: …
WIFE: …
ME: I don’t know
No thank you, I don’t need a coaster. I won’t be putting my drink down.
If you people would’ve used a little more alizarin crimson like Bob Ross told you to, none of this would be happening right now
[answers batphone] Hi, thanks for calling the batcave. This batcall may be batmonitored or batrecorded for batquality batassurance batpurposes
[The Beatles writing Here Comes The Sun]
Paul: so what should come after here comes the sun?
[Ringo screams from bathroom]: Doo Doo, Doo Doo
With grape soda comes grape responsibility.
[hiking]
Me: you want some trail mix?Friend: yeah sure!
Me: *starts beatboxing*
i’m such an introvert i don’t even talk to myself
Contact me if there’s an emergency. This includes if you’re planning on giving your pet a stupid name.
I was trying to get a quarter size spider off of the ceiling and it fell INTO MY CLEAVAGE! After screaming my head off, jumping around and shaking my top like a Polaroid picture it fell out. I’m writing this from inside a dumpster I’ve set on fire. Farewell.
Prime ribs are just like regular ribs except they’re only divisible by themselves.
My boyfriend asked me why I bother watching cooking shows when I cant cook so I asked why he bothered watching porn.
M: what’s this about, 007?
James Bond: he’s plotting revolution, ma’am
M: are you sure?
JB: he’s happy to confess, ask him
M: *turning to the suspect* what do you have to say for yourself?
pigeon: coo
M: my god man, you’re right!
I know for a fact that the devil exists because I have to pee real bad every time I finish chopping a jalapeño
I don’t usually complain about the way people decorate their cubicles Tina but you should know my entire family was killed by a dachshund.
Instead of chasing after Taylor Swift, I’m just going to wait until she breaks up with everyone else so I’m all that’s left.
Snakes full of cheese instead of poison would certainly improve the atmosphere at this church.
The one prank I think about often is George Clooney cleaning Richard Kind’s cat’s litter box to make him think his cat hadn’t been pooping and then finally laying a big one in the litter box himself as a punchline
Helped a stranger at the gym write a break up text today so yeah, that English degree is really paying off.
A swarm of locusts darkened the blue sky. This was my sign to finally send out my wedding thank you cards.
I am NOT just ‘a piece of meat’ you know. I’m a ribeye steak… a bit fatty, but still quite tasty.
Ok, I lied. I’m pork butt.
I learned all my flirting from lizards so I just do a bunch of really fast pushups when I see a cute lizard.
I’d grill your cheese.
~me, flirting
If you feel like you’re about to punch someone, take a deep breath. Then exhale as you punch to get more power.
the three best gummy flavors, together at last
had calamari for the the first time ever and it wasn’t that bad, maybe I’ll try marriage next
Kids today have no idea how easy they have it. I was forced to spend the greater part of my youth as a TV antenna.
him, on one knee: will you marry me
her: OMG
onlookers: say yes! say yes!!
me: *mouth full of hotdog* tell us the biggest fight you’ve had so far