Police: Pull over and stop!
Me: [on moped]What’s the problem?
Police: You’re not wearing the proper reflective equipment! We’re taking you in!
Me: [wearing reflector vest, blaze orange parachute pants, coal miners hat, Michael Jacksons left glove] I CAN SEE MY HOUSE FROM HERE!
You Might Also Like
My wife: *catches me in bed with a Transformer*
Me: Wait! It’s not what it looks like!
Growing up, a lot of people had crushes on Jennifer Aniston. I just liked her as a friend.
I will have a piñata at my funeral.
You know, to make people happy.
It will be filled with bees.
You know, to make me happy too.
Me: I don’t like ice in my whiskey
Him: that’s neat
Me: yeah, it’s pretty cool
Changelings are a myth, you say? Then explain why my 5yo suddenly doesn’t like cheese anymore
I don’t know what the big whoop is if I run out of masks and have to put a paper bag over my head, but the police officer who pulled me over sure seemed pissed about it.
I ain’t never seen a alligator so happy to be getting a toothbrush bath 😭
Him: Let’s grill this steak
Me: *slams table, screams at steak* WHO SOLD YOU THE DRUGS
Him: that’s not-
Me: Refusing to talk? BIG MISTEAK
I don’t know what the 5 love languages are but one of them better have peanut butter inside
I love that the generation after millennials is called Generation Z like we all kinda know this whole thing is wrapping up soon
Upon discovering that the good burger place I wanted to get dinner from is closed today, and feeling that no other place would do, I said, “I do not wish to sully my palate with an inferior burger,” and I sounded like if Mr. Darcy was a foodie throwing a tantrum.
When I go “Commando” I carry around a big machine gun & speak with an Austrian accent while I track down my daughter’s kidnappers.
THEM: Yeah, I guess I’m just old-fashioned, I like TALKING on the phone like people used to do in more civil times.
ME: People used to burn witches and smoke on airplanes.
It turns out if you balance your checkbook when you’re drunk you have a lot more money.
Used dog shears to trim my split ends. This is a beauty account now.
I took a DNA test and i’m actually 17% cheddar cheese now
I wonder if the guy who came up with the term “One Hit Wonder” came up with any other phrases.
More foods should have boats, why should gravy have all the fun?
Quick question guys. Why is my therapist putting on boxing gloves?
Read the tweet above this one and then the tweet below it. People paid FORTY-FIVE DOLLARS PER SHARE FOR THIS.
K1: Frankincence
K2: Myrrh
K3: Gold
K1 & K2: WHAT?
K3: Gold
K1: We said £20 each!
K3: I..
K1: I hate you
K3: Wrap it from all of us?
[taking out my Diva Cup]
Dracula: you gonna drink that?
At first I hated this, but my wife forced me to live with it a while, now I love it for some reason.
Due to the economy, I am handing out condiment packs I have collected from my delivery orders. 🤷🏻♂️
Sorry I disappeared for 3 years, I was taking my sports bra off.
When parents say to kids “go to ur room & think about what you’ve done” it’s really good practice for what you’ll do every night as an adult
“Oh my god I can’t believe someone would pronounce my name exactly how it’s spelled!!!”
– people with stupid names
Is “asking for a friend” just a way people can nonchalantly ask a question while making it seem like someone else asked? Asking for a friend
I tossed my billiard table into the bathtub.
Now I have a swimming pool.
Me: I slept through the second half of that movie
Kids: And the first half
Me: Yes