I’m so anti-social, my misery loathes company.
You Might Also Like
Any beach is a nude beach if you drink enough alcohol
For someone who doesn’t have any friends, I seem to ask a lot of questions for them.
ok, i’m calling bullshit on Ariel singing underwater
[Dr.]
“Your blood is 40% cheese, if you eat ANY more you’ll die”
*slowly raises piece of cheese to mouth*
“Don’t do it”
*eats cheese*
*dies*
1) Bake cake.
2) Don’t cut it into pieces.
3) Eat the whole thing.
4) Claim I ate “only one piece of cake.”
GREAT day volunteering at the library! Noticed a local youth reading a book called “Moby D*ck” so I confiscated it before it could corrupt his innocent mind. Then I found a fun book about laughing out loud called LOLita and gave him that instead. I LOVE keeping young minds pure!
[First day as a detective]
Me *pouring a drink*: let’s play never have I ever
Murder suspect:
Me: never have I ever shot a guy
Suspect:
Me: never have I killed guy… even by accident? *nudges their drink closer*
Suspect: dude stop
Me: *mouthing* ᵀᵃᵏᵉ ᵃ ˢᶦᵖ
My Uber driver is acting weird. He is wearing a mask and making me ride in the trunk. 1 star.
When I asked for some alone time, I didn’t mean when I was bringing in the groceries.
It’s payday!! Time to splurge! Time to indulge! Time to blow it all on *checks notes* an Adequate Amount Of Groceries
me: I’m going to the store to get bread
wife: if they have eggs, buy a dozen
[later]
wife: did they have eggs?
me: *carrying 12 loaves of bread* yes
Are kids ever okay at all?😂
Me: ooh baby do you know what that’s worth
Congregation: oooh heaven is a place on earth
Bishop: no
[A pair of crocs sitting on a riverbank]
Why do you think people hate us so much?
“Idk. I blame the idiots who wear us with socks.”
Yes, I wear this shirt a lot. It’s my shirt that I purchased and I own a washing machine. Amazing.
nobody:
stick in the park:
6 y/o me: I will take it home
This took me a few seconds.. 😅
Them: “How’s your diet going?”
Me: *slowly eats a powdered donut while maintaining eye contact*
My 4yo heard me say my shoulders were hurting and offered to give me a massage. She proceeded to punch and poke me a few times and then said “all done”. And honestly, I’ve paid for worse.
I feel so bad for my cat, he’s sitting by the door crying out for this cat and her baby (that are on the opposite side) The same cat I caught him with the night he snuck out, but sweetheart you have been neutered for a year+ she is lying, that is not your baby
Learn from your failures. For example, I will never eat Cheetos immediately before a job interview again.
As your personal mortician, instead of making you look beautiful I will make people fear you.
Robber: This is a stick up
Me: *clears throat* I’ll stick up for Larry. Pat called him an idiot earlier and although it’s true, it was mean
Whenever I’m alone, I like to dig a hole in my backyard, remove all my clothes, go inside that hole and pretend that I’m a carrot.
A Brit watching their house fall off a cliff:
“That’s a bit of a blow”
There were only 7 deadly sins and then you came along.
I never remember names, so name dropping is basically useless around me.
Me: I hope I get a good night’s sleep.
My dog at 1 AM: Hey I just did a huge diarrhea on the carpet.
Jan – Nov: depressed
December: depressed but with tinsel
Me: thanks duckter
Goose doctor: [fought years of discrimination to get to his position] how dare you