Me: You need to eat vegetables instead of candy if you want to be tall.
4-year-old: I’ll just be small and happy.
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Be the change you’re looking for
between the couch cushions.
When a new bird species visits your bird feeder
when your neighbor cuts his grass and suddenly your place looks like a good place to score meth
Turns out 6 foot penguins don’t exist, in related news, I might have just ran over a nun.
dude!! we are on the same team! get a helmet that fits.
The human race won’t go extinct when our blood turns into high fructose corn syrup
Our demise will come when hummingbirds figure it out
Is your posture perfect? Consider a life of crime. No one suspects the upright citizen.
In 1911: Dracula used to drink virgin girls blood … In 2012: he died of hunger.
(Man hobbles into grocery store using a cane)
5: HEY MOM THAT MAN IS USING A WALKING STICK BC HIS BONES AREN’T STRONG & HE’LL DIE SOON RIGHT
boss: what are u doing
me: *pretends to read email*
boss: did u just say “pretends to read email”
My opponent would have you believe I wear a tinfoil hat to block government mindreaders. I wear it to pretend I am from space. No questions
Therapist: Go to your happy place
Me: Ok
Therapist: Good, where are you?
Me: In a bathtub full of Sausage Egg McMuffins
Therapist: I’m sorry, what?
Me: The beach, I said the beach
I need more from my antidepressant, like clean my bathrooms. Go grocery shopping. Pull your weight.
Jesus, take the wheel!
*steering wheel disappears*
*car careens into tree*
Mob boss: Feed him to the fishes
[Neil deGrasse Tyson bursts in out of breath]
Neil: Actually these fish feed off Copepod and plankton
Mob boss: Him too
Dress sloppy at work and people will think you don’t know what you’re doing. Dress too nice and people will think you know what you’re doing. So you see my dilemma.
Just found out the hard way that nude yoga is only acceptable when the entire class is doing it
The inventor of cheese: This milk is nice but I wish I could bite it.
How dare the delivery guy ring my doorbell and disturb me with a package that I ordered.
Pulled off my t-shirt too fast and made my glasses disappear. I’m now available for bookings.
DATE: So what do you do?
ME: I race cars.
HER: That’s so cool. Have you won many races?
ME: No, the cars are much faster.
I told all my neighbors that I have a twin . . . so that when I see them in public I don’t have to talk to them.
Yes, I’m a slob, but I’m a sanitary slob. Underneath all the clutter it’s actually clean.
ME: I need a new phone, this one got wet
VERIZON: How’d you get it wet
ME: I talked dirty to it
HIM: ……
ME: Water asshole. How else?
*holds flashlight up to face*
When I was a kid, most pop tarts came unfrosted.
*3 millennials faint, 2 vomit*
“My Ex is amazing in all ways. My Ex is smarter, more successful, and more attractive than I am.”
– bumper sticker I put on my Ex’s car
I heard my cat walking down the hall because his claws are too long. Then I realized I hadn’t taken off his tap shoes since the photo shoot.
I figure soon we will be grounding our children by sending them outside to play
Doctor: Let’s take a look at your chest shall we
Pirate: No