[Couple saying their vows in church]
ME *stands up* I know why these two should not be wed. SHE’S ALREADY MARRIED!
EVERYONE *gasps*
ME: AND SO IS HE!
EVERYONE *gasps*
COUPLE: Yeah we’re renewing our vows
ME *sits down* I did not know that
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(day 2 of adulthood) well I gave it a shot
Day 1 of home improvement project: This should take us a week.
Day 7: This should take us 2 weeks.
Day 57: There is no end in sight.
Just tested the structural integrity of a door frame with my face. It’s pretty solid.
Barber: How do you want it?
Me [gets the same haircut every time]: UUUUUUUUUUUUUHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
One of the funnier gadgets my parents have is an indoor/outdoor thermometer that shows a little cartoon guy in various outfits to correspond with the temperature outside because my parents can’t be bothered to do that weather/pants translation themselves
“No. No birthdays, Christmas or modern medicine.. But you sure do make great friends going door-to-door”
*Door slams
– Jehova’s Witnesses
So I went to the store and bought 5 oranges, but somehow I lost 2 on the way home. Then when I got home I found I had 3 oranges behind the coffee machine — and now I’m officially the guy from the math problem you hated.
Dean Martin: When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie
Neil deGrasse Tyson: I don’t even know where to begin with this
Contact me if there’s an emergency. This includes if you’re planning on giving your pet a stupid name.
If my body was covered entirely in eyeballs, I still couldn’t look at you enough.
*me being romantic*
CHRISTMAS FACT:
Baby Jesus actually received two blocks of gold on his birth, making him the first child in history to have an Au pair.
Maid of Honor speeches shouldn’t end with, “I’ll see you all at her next one.” I know that now.
My last husband’s name is Don. I just added an E to it and walked away.
Saw a billboard that said “if you can plan a wedding, you can plan for a natural disaster” and like, aren’t those the same thing?
when people make fun of me for reading fiction, I don’t get mad. I simply invite them down into my cellar for a glass of fine vintage. they have never read Poe; they have no idea what’s coming.
If the conversation gets too serious take your pants off.
I just tried a keto friendly cereal. I think tomorrow I’ll just eat my cabinets.
4: Mama, I’m not feeling so good.
Me: What’s wrong baby girl?
4: I haven’t had spaghetti for so long my stomach misses it. Listen, *puffs up belly* you can hear my tummy cry.
M: I don’t regret my past. I’m far too cold and calculating for regrets.
Lawyer: Okay, so I don’t want you saying that at the trial.
Bumped into my Ex again. I should really move her to a different part of the freezer.
Making pizza she asked “why are you putting extra cheese on it?”
And that was the last time she was invited over.
Six words that strike fear in the hearts of parents everywhere:
You’ve been volunteered as a chaperone
If you mean sleeping all day and only speaking to demand meals then yes, my teen has cat-like reflexes
With the proper diet and lack of exercise, you can turn any jeans into skinny jeans.
*sticks hand into jean pocket*
Aw damn, why in the hell do I have bbq sauce in my pocket?
*checks other pocket and finds nuggets*
Oh, ok.
“You suck.”
“No, you suck.”
“Really, you suck.”
“Please, you suck.”
“You suck, I insist.”— Polite vampires.
Those people that get up and are already home from the gym by 7 a.m. make me believe the movie Men in Black just may be true after all.
Have sex in the shower? I can’t even wash shampoo out of my hair without holding on to the wall so I don’t fall over.
If I was a girl my best friend would have to come untangle me at least twice a week because I tried to take my bra off through my sleeve
I work 24/7 – which is about 3.42 hours.