Me: You really brighten up the room!
Date: Aww, thanks!
Me: *staring directly at the sun* Who said that
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Hmm I don’t really wanna commit 2 hours to watching a movie
*watches 12 straight hours of a tv show on Netflix*
6 year old was FaceTiming a friend today and between the giggling and jumping around she went for a poop and stayed on the call throughout. And if I鈥檓 honest, out of my wife鈥檚 many talents I didn鈥檛 expect her to pass that one down
In New York, people are paying up to $100 for a “cronut,” which is croissant/donut. We call these people “midiots,” which is a moron/idiot.
ME: [ties a persons shoes together and then runs away] Haha
PERSON: [puts on worlds fastest potato sack racer hat]
ME: Oh no shit shit shit
How does a cricket know if his joke has bombed?
Summer break is cool because I won鈥檛 be alone for the next 2000 hours of my life but at least I won鈥檛 have to pack anyone a lunch.
Just checked weather. If anyone is curious what’s in my wardrobe, find me tomorrow. I will be wearing every article of clothing I own.
God: *brings ribs to the wedding feast*
Adam: That鈥檚 not funny.
[Batman in tears]
Catwoman left me
Oh no what happened?!
I left the door open and she just bolted
I’m going to be a ghost who haunts people with a high metabolism. Hate never dies
ME: How do you spell ‘inferno’?
BOSS: What?
ME: I’m writing an email
BOSS: Oh my god, the building is on fire!!
ME: Yeah, that’s probably a better way of wording it
If a 4-year-old says, “I’m scared there’s a monster living under my bed” Don’t reply, “Oh, that’s where he’s been hiding.”
I know that now.
-Luca Brasi sleeps with the fishes.
-He has sex with fish?
-He’s dead.
-I’m not surprised. Having sex with fish doesn’t sound very safe.
I just cleaned out the change at the bottom of my purse and now I have an extra $17,000.
I once taught an 8 am college class. So many grandparents died that semester. I then moved my class to 3 pm. No more deaths. And that, my friends, is how I save lives.
Cop: Is that a turtle?
Me: …
Cop: Painted blue?
Me: …
Cop: With nails glued on?
Me: …
Cop: Mario Kart’s not real
Me: YOURE NOT REAL
[at Victoria’s Secret]
*folding panties on table*
“Sir, where are the fitting rooms?”
Oh, I don’t work here.
*continues folding panties*
Me: I am so approachable and easy to get along with
Anyone: hey girl
Me: 馃槧
Anyone: excuse me ma’am
Me: 馃槨
Anyone: yo mister
Me: 馃槨馃槨馃槨
Friend: wanna do a Boston marathon with me?
Me: is that on Netflix?
What’s your spirit animal?
“An eagle. They’re so majestic.”
MEANWHILE
Horse: hey eagle, what’s your spirit human
Eagle: this guy Dave
If you’re going to the hospital for a covid-19 test make sure you bring with you a valid form of identification along with a printout of your IMDB page and/or your Basketball Reference stats
INTERVIEWER: What happened at your last job?
ME: I was fired for being too literal.
I: How have you supported yourself since then?
M: Legs.
If you call me “daddy” in bed I will immediately stop what we are doing and make you clean your room
I just hid a big bag of Easter peanut butter cups in the back of the freezer. In July I鈥檒l find them and be very pleased then convinced I have dementia.
Going to show my kids before and after pictures of Lindsay Lohan and say this girl didn’t think she needed a nap either.
He died doing what he loved,
sleeping with one leg outside of the sheets.
Kids, if you want to succeed in journalism the way to do it is to suck at your job in a way that’s useful to rich people
STOP FLIRTING WITH YOUR UNCLE AT YOUR WEDDING WITH YOUR COUSIN #HouseOfTheDragon
“Maybe I don’t need this second cup of coffee,” she said as she reached for the turkey gravy instead of the milk.
“…nevermind.”
Extra virgin olive oil is just olive oil who got dating advice from me.