Me: You say all the right things.
Her: I didn’t say anything.
Me: Shhh Don’t ruin this for me.
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nurse: height
me: 6’4”
nurse: weight
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me: wait for what
What I lack in moves on the dancefloor I more than make up for in dancing around a conversation
‘I’ll cut a bitch.’
– veterinarian explaining his spaying procedure
ANNOYING SHIT THAT’S HAPPENING:
Fourth grader’s constant use of the phrase, “I know from experience…”.
Husband: Did you just change from one set of pjs to another?
Me:
H:
Me:
H: …you look great
me: [staring up at the sun, then at the sunblock in my hands, then back up at the sun, then back at the sunblock]
my wife: you’re wondering whether you put it on yourself or on the sun, aren’t you
me: look i didn’t go to medical school like you did ok
*pours a shaker of salt into the ocean*
You’re free now
My wife’s yoga class is really relaxing…
‘Cuz she’s usually gone for at least two hours.
“Feels nice on the ol’ bits, don’t it?”
“That it do, Clyde, that it do.”
bird 1: uh oh
bird 2: don’t worry he only has one stone
I’d like to live in a small town where they still do festivals, play fun games and raffles, bake pies and other delicious food, and sacrifice to the Gods..
Some people come into your life for a reason.
Like for target practice.
Don’t you just hate it when the automatic arm rail of the escalator is out of sync with the stairs part and your arm moves so far ahead of you it dislocates then detaches and goes on to form its own life separate of you?
99% of celebrating your birthday as an adult just consists of texting back “thanks so much ❤️”.
Today is the Winter Solstice, the shortest day of the year. Unless, of course, you’re waiting in line at Wal-mart.
It was my turn to pick a team building activity on Zoom so I typed hide-n-seek in the chat and left the meeting
OMG. I saw Leonardo da Vinci trending and thought he died.
YOUR MARCH HOROSCOPES:
Aries: Stay inside.
Taurus: Stay inside.
Gemini: Stay inside.
Cancer: Stay inside.
Leo: Stay inside.
Virgo: Stay inside.
Libra: Stay inside.
Scorpio: Stay inside.
Sagittarius: Stay inside.
Capricorn: Stay inside.
Aquarius: Stay inside.
Pisces: Stay inside.
My cat has Peta on speed dial in case the day should ever come when his pillows aren’t properly fluffed or his filtered water grows tepid.
Just heard a lady tell a 4yo to “get it together!” I’m not sure she knows how 4yos work.
Psychic: *rubbing temples* You want to know if your wife’s trying to murder you
Me: How’d you know?
P: *sees knife in my back* I’m good
If the aliens turn hostile, McDonalds Sprite may be our last line of defense.
I would’ve been here sooner, but I was holding the door for a Canadian that insisted I go first.
This canned chili is terrible. No beans, hardly any spices, and for some reason, the side of the can has a picture of a Golden Retriever.
I’m sick and I’m going to work today; so if there’s some kind of Contagion-level outbreak, I’m your patient-zero.
Make sure your first place together is on the ground floor, so when she throws your stuff out the window, it won’t break.
Magician: Is this your card?!
Me: Yes! *turns to children and whispers* Go out to my truck and get my shotgun and rock salt. Daddy found himself a demon.
My boss always calls me Sweetypie when he wants me to get him coffee..I estimate he’s swallowed a bucket of my spit in the last 4 years..
[Rain]
Earthworms: yes yes yes the prophecy is happening again, we will surface to the top and march on the sidewalk for no reason yes
He died doing what he did best, trying to get a croc to wear a Croc.